Friends With Benefits - P.JM | 18+

28

The holidays are over. We head back in today.

It's the beginning of a new year. Yet, it didn't feel like it.

New year means new things, right?

I felt as if everything would remain the same.

Chuwie's birthday was a few days ago.

She spent the day before with me and the day of her birthday with her boyfriend.

We went out and got something to eat, we sat down and talked about everything that had occurred in our lives and you can say it was like our little therapy session.

I thought I finally forgot about you, Jimin.

Not seeing your face for a few weeks, I felt better.

Yet, I was hoping these feelings would remain even whilst I went back to college.

I hoped that I didn't care, I hoped that I was okay. I hoped that I had finally moved on as I say. It's weird, but I didn't like clinging onto you, Jimin.

Even if it wasn't physically.

Mentally, I mean. Mentally, you were constantly on my mind, the image of you and your touches, your words, they were on a constant replay.

Yet, emotionally?

Emotionally?

There was never any emotion, even before you arrived. I struggled with that half.

I stopped writing the letter.

It was embarrassing to say, but the mourning slowly began turning into hatred. Pure hatred.

I couldn't get myself to write about the hatred.

My words and complaints to Chuwie were enough.

However, somebody recently told me, "Just because you're understanding about why somebody leaves, doesn't mean you're not hurting. You didn't have to be the outcome of their hurt."

They were right.

As much as I could be accepting about you not talking to me anymore, I had every right to be upset.

I couldn't control these feelings, could I?

Yet, no matter what, I couldn't get myself to continue this letter.

I refuse to let hatred be spilled onto the lines.

Why?

You deserved it, right?

Yes. Of course, you did.

After everything you've done.

You deserved nothing but pain.

However, I couldn't do it.

You see-- this is growth.

It went from hurting, hating and hopefully loving? Loving you? No. I want to love myself.

I was in a constant fight with myself and I wanted to face myself.

That's the only way I'd ever heal.

As a wise man once said, "Your mind can be your greatest ally, or your greatest enemy."

He wasn't wrong.

I was constantly at war with myself.

My emotions were spiraling out of control.

Once me and Chuwie head back into college, she asks, "How are you feeling? Better?"