Friends With Benefits - P.JM | 18+

5

I walk past the gate, heading back inside the school building.

I felt so dirty. Why?

We didn't do much.

It just-- it felt weird. I let myself do something so-- so-- sinful?

I asked you previously, "Doesn't this cause you to have any regrets or uncertainty?"

I still remember your response.

"I don't care about things like this. It doesn't bother me."

You know-- I didn't want it to bother you in that way. I couldn't get myself to say it. However, I wish it did make you feel something. It didn't have to be regrets exactly. Just any type of feeling would've been nice.

Yet, you were so distant.

I felt like-- I just felt like a toy. The thing you promised I wouldn't feel like. The thing you said wouldn't be the case.

I manage to push the thoughts aside and make it back inside the building.

My friends are waiting for me; Chuwie and Zizi.

Chuwie was someone who I could trust with my life. I would tell her anything, it hurt when I couldn't tell her about this situation, she was my best friend.

Yet, I didn't want to cause issues for everybody.

We had different break times, which caused us to not have enough time to spend together, we only really had our breaks once or twice a week together. Majority of our time was spent separately. Although, I did wait for her after school sometimes.

I made it towards the hallway we usually sit in; it was a quiet little place, it was very warm, comfy. It was perfect.

Both Chuwie and Zizi notice me.

"Where the fuck were you?" Chuwie asked.

I sigh, "I was finishing off an assignment but I'm here." I say.

Zizi doesn't say anything.

Me and Zizi weren't the closest.

Our friendship, in other words, was something that was continuously going off and on, although Chuwie was open with her about certain things and was trying to forgive her, I couldn't. No matter how hard I tried, the trust was no longer there.

I felt bad, however, Zizi, that's your fault.

I sat beside them on the little bench, Chuwie was in the middle, whilst Zizi was beside her. We all talk and laugh together.

Even if it was nothing personal exactly, there was something that just brought us close. At least, that's what I thought.

You can't trust anybody, can you? Even the people closest to you will hold that knife against your neck.

However, throughout the conversation, although I chipped in every now and then for stories, or even made a joke or two.

My mind was on you, Jimin.

You were driving me insane. I was so disgusted, I wanted to forget that I ever had any sexual encounters with you, that you ever touched me. I wanted the image out of my head. Why?

Maybe it's because I gave something to someone that didn't deserve it. Maybe, just maybe, I did something I definitely shouldn't have.

You were the wrong person.

You made me think, would I ever be worthy for another man? Imagine if someone knew that I did something so revolting? Maybe, not so revolting but it feels revolting when I think of myself.

Why? What happened to the shy girl that was nice to everybody. Gave into everybody. Was getting picked on, continuously.

This wasn't me. This wasn't me, at all. Yet, I knew it.

Throughout the entire thing, I questioned who I was.

Who was I?

What was I doing?

Why?

What's this?

There's changes in everything, right?

This couldn't be anything different. Yet, it felt so different. It felt odd, it felt strange.

"Right, Y/N?"

My focus is suddenly returned to my friends.

"Huh?"

They look back and forth at each other before Chuwie says, "I asked if you also think Zizi is going to be the first one to die."

I burst into laughter, nodding my head.

I'm glad they didn't ask much. Zizi looks annoyed and rolls her eyes.

Chuwie, I noticed her face. She gave me a look, a look of concern. She knew something was wrong. She was my best friend.

It goes on for a few minutes, talking and zoning out throughout the conversations.

I constantly checked my phone. No messages. You weren't spamming. It felt weird. You always responded.

You always said something, even if it was simple

Sometimes, you even start conversations.

This time, what's the issue?

I still remember how you kept texting me. Before our first meet up.

"Send me a snap of you. I won't be seeing your ass for two days." You'd say on the weekends.

I was so confused, yet so intrigued. I'm guessing you were the same. The only person to approach me. Only person to actually acknowledge me. It felt wrong.

"You're mine." you'd say if I mentioned anything with anybody else.

We belonged to each other, I hoped.

I didn't mind if your girl best friends held you, touched you. As long as you knew that we were each other's.

It was such a stupid thought. However, you made it feel like it was possible.

Oh, how I was naïve.

You know, I was even more stupid. I constantly spammed you. Every few seconds, sending one meme after another.

I expected the same responses as you usually give, I wanted the same energy as the first few days.

On the way home, it was me and Chuwie together. She usually comes over, so we walk together.

"Are you going to tell me?" She suddenly asks me.

I was not surprised. I expected this sooner or later.

I sigh, "How do you--"

She scoffs, "Come on, Y/N. I know you."

I smile softly. She did. We've been friends for over 10 years. If she doesn't know me, who does? So, I told her.

At first, I had regrets. I thought it'd hurt you. I'd disappoint you. I was so desperate to please you, I didn't want to make a single mistake, I didn't want to make one wrong turn, in case everything was to spiral out of control and not be, "perfect."

Everything was spilled, top to bottom; I told her about my feelings, what happened between us, how it started, how I'm feeling right now, what I think.

Chuwie, well, Chuwie takes everything in.

She nods, smiles at some parts.

She finally decides to speak.

"I'm going to be honest with you, Y/N."