Friends With Benefits - P.JM | 18+

29

I bring out the letter. Although I haven't touched it in a while, I had made sure that it wasn't scrunched up and that it was actually kept in a safe place.

Even though I was expectant at the beginning for it to be filled with nothing but hurt and hatred.

I began noticing that my words were nothing but love.

Everything that I was saying was filled with the most selflessness possible.

Someone told me.

That was the best type of love.

Actually, many told me that.

They always told me how they thought it was nice that even after being hurt I'd still care about the one who hurt me. I'd still care no matter the circumstance.

I guess that was the case for you, Jimin.

Even though it hurt.

I liked this type of love.

Turning this hurt into love and finally saying goodbye.

I've heard many say that love was painful. I didn't believe it, at least, I thought people were dramatic.

Yet, I understand now.

It took time, but I got there.

Yet, the time I took was helpful.

It taught me a lot, actually.

I'm thankful.

I don't know your end, Jimin. I don't think I'll ever know.

However, for now, I hope you feel the same.

So, I pick up the pen and I begin writing...

"It's been a while. I was angry for a moment, aha, maybe more than a moment. I was very upset. The rage that was within me, it had me in so much pain. However, for now. Thank you. Thank you for giving me memories. Whenever I feel sad, I want to travel back and relive those for a few minutes. Maybe not the hurt. Yet, even the hurt-- I managed to see the beauty in them. You've gone now-- this was evidence. Evidence of what you've left behind. You were also hurting and you were also sad. We hurt ourselves, so we began hurting each other. It was definitely toxic and it was definitely even more toxic that we remained, even after the feeling of hurt enlarged. You and I were the same. Jimin, I was wondering. If we maybe have met differently? If we may have met in the next lifetime, do you think it would be possible for us to be friends? It's a dumb question. However, do you think we could've played about, we could've had those funny little conversations, is it possible? Maybe.. Maybe not."

This felt nice.

This felt so nice.

Even if it was heartfelt and sappy.

It felt nice to let it all go.

A single tear leaves the corner of my eye before I continue writing again,

"You gave me a few seconds of happiness, but those few seconds were enough. At least, now I think so. Even if now I just watch you from a distance. I'm going to remain thankful, even till the end. Now, I want to close this book. I want to close this chapter of my life. Goodbye, Jimin. This is the end of our story."

It takes a while before I'm rescanning through the entire letter.

My eyes filled with tears.

No, not tears of pain but tears of great achievement.

I've come so far.

I became so broken.

I became a mess.

Now, I'm nothing, nothing but full of happiness.

This.

This was so long.

I never once thought that you, Jimin, would mean absolutely nothing to me.

Not just you, but also Zizi. I've always heard things like, "Happiness doesn't last forever."

They weren't incorrect, but I always said, "Neither does sadness."

I guess. I still believe.

I still believe in what I said.

In life, we'll have many books, many stories. One after the other. One journey after the other. We learn something and we lose something.

It's tough and it's going to be harsh, but it's worth it.

To my inner child.

I hope she knows it's okay. She's allowed to feel the way she did. She's not weak. She's not stupid and she's certainly not wrong.

I'm proud of her.

Today I'd like to thank her.

I'd like to tell her she's done a good thing and her letting go must've been a hard thing to do and that's okay.

However, now, I hope she knows and has learnt a lot about boundaries. I hope she has learnt that it's okay to be vulnerable and if not to the rest of the world, then at least to herself.

Once again, Jimin. Goodbye.