Friends With Benefits - P.JM | 18+

15

TW: Suicidal references

She was innocent.

Yet, she was able to make me feel like an intruder within my own body.

I always surrendered to her.

To me, she was in charge.

I wanted her to leave.

Please-- please let me be. Please, set me free, I beg off you.

"I can't leave-- I created you. I am you. I made you. If I go, you go."

She gives quick snappy responses.

She was straightforward with her words and she didn't hold back when it came to telling me her true opinions and feelings.

It's how she always received things, now she's doing the same to me.

Nobody ever stopped to think of her as a little kid.

She was always seen as a wise person stuck in a child's body.

Jimin, you hurt her so bad. I wish you'd see.

Yet, you couldn't, could you?

I felt like my soul was split into two; she controlled one side, whilst I controlled the other.

However, gradually I was losing that small bit of control.

At some point, it felt as if she would take over completely any minute.

You know.

Sometimes, I didn't mind.

I wouldn't have cared less if she took over. It seemed selfish.

Yes, very selfish.

Yet, I thought she had already taken multiple hits, she can handle some more, right?

I couldn't.

She's been through the worst-- I just couldn't handle it.

I was hurting and I couldn't take it.

She-- she probably would've done a better job than me.

"You're scared aren't you?" She asks.

The tears brimming the corner of my eyes,

"It's okay, me too." She whispers.

I wish I could hold her.

"I'm used to this-- it's happened before. This is nothing new." She mumbles.

"Everybody always leaves, they have left. It's how things are for me and you." She says, quite confidently.

Her voice was so tired and exhausted, she sounded numb.

Numb to the feeling.

She sounded cold and emotionless.

"You always think the same, don't you? If only living was a choice, right? Me as well. I know a lot about that." She enquiries.

I let her continue.

Why?

Sometimes, it felt as if I was having a heartfelt conversation with her.

You see, the more I wanted her to leave, the more I wanted her to stay. I developed an attachment to her. She was my guide, yet also my misguide. She was my angel but also my demon. She was my saviour, yet also my foe.

I wish I could understand myself.

Yet, I couldn't.

I wonder-- I wonder if she understood me. Do you? It's silly. You're me, but you didn't feel like me at all.

You felt so distant, yet so close at the same time.

Maybe, maybe it's the change? Maybe, I've changed and you're the only one that remained.

I'm sorry, love.

You see, she read me like an open book. One chapter after the other. A sentence after another. The phrases linking to each other.

I sigh, "Chuwie.. Should I tell him?"

She doesn't have any obvious expressions this time.

This time, she gave me a look filled with uncertainty and curiosity.

"Depends. What do you intend on saying?"

I pause myself, this time.

"The attachment-- I want him to know beforehand."

She nods, "I'm not going to go against this, because I know it's the appropriate thing to do. You should most definitely speak to him. You should tell him. You can get closure but also some reassurance, hopefully.."

Her smile seemed quite sad at the same time, the last part coming out in a whisper.

"I'm not going to promise that the results are going to be what you want them to be, but it can give you a basic overview of what this is."

She's right.

I can figure this out.

I had hope.

We spend at least 2 hours in her mother's car waiting for her whilst she finished off her shifts.

Surprisingly, the entirety of the time, me and Chuwie stopped talking.

Instead we sat beside each other in silence.

We were quite comfortable with each other, to the point where even silence didn't cause any discomfort.

I thought about what I'd say to you. It did take me a while to actually consider it.

Every now and then I had some doubts, causing me to back off.

However, the pull to hear what you'd say, drove me closer.

You were a mystery and mysteries are fun to solve. Some are challenging, yet exciting.

I wanted to figure you out. I did it a lot. I didn't want you to be any different.

I'm so dumb.

You see-- reading others was very time consuming and exhausting.

Although I wanted to figure out everybody else, I was quite hesitant because I couldn't even figure myself out.

It reminded me of the whole concept of being unable to love yourself; you can't expect to love somebody else, when you cannot love yourself. It's merely impossible.

I wish I listened to my instincts earlier.

Once I arrive home.

I begin typing away. "Jimin, I'm starting to fall for you. I'm starting to get attached."

I didn't know what else to say.

You could say I was quite direct.

Growing up I was used to beating around the bush, but I've noticed it's harder to do now.

It's much easier to be honest.