Friends With Benefits - P.JM | 18+

13

I don't know how long it takes me to eventually muster up the courage.

"I wish it was me," I finally say.

Chuwie looks at me, her eyes glistening with tears.

I send a sad smile.

"I'm so dumb- I'm so bloody dumb. I wish he saw me the way he saw her. I wish he was obsessed with me the way he was obsessed with her--"

I gulp, pausing my sentence midway, a heavy intake of breath, the breaking of my voice intensifies.

"--No, the way he is obsessed with her. He is still so fucking attached to her. Even if he tells himself he's not."

I shake my head softly now, a disappointed laugh leaving my chest.

"You know-- Izumi. He never had an ex-girlfriend. Yet, he spoke about his 'previous crush.' I remember--"

She pauses, this time her hands placed on mine.

You know, this is what I was worried about, causing people to remember things--

things they wouldn't want to remember and in this case, Chuwie remembering him.

Chuwie hesitates, but she finally continues, "Izumi, he liked Azula-- I was so jealous, I can't even explain how jealous I was.''

You see, Chuwie was always uncertain. She'd tell me things like,

"He liked her-- he doesn't like her anymore."

Alongside other things like,

"I know he isn't over her-- maybe he is-- but you can tell she is his ideal type."

It hurt.

It really did.

It wasn't even me who was experiencing this, but it felt as if Chuwie was a mirror of myself, the only difference was, the frame was slightly broken.

Our differences weren't very big, majority of the time it felt as if we had the same mindset, same thoughts and same opinions.

I liked that about us, we were nearly the same.

I wanted to say pain was like an illness; it passes on through people to people.

The minute you see someone you love in pain, you're also in pain.

Why? Why was it so contagious?

I didn't like that--

Yet, I loved it.

I loved being able to feel and understand someone but at the same time, it hurt.

It hurt because-- it hurt because I was tired.

I had enough of feeling and understanding people, but at the same time-- It didn't feel like it was enough.

I told myself it was enough, but the more my mind said no, my body would crave the opposite.

In all honesty, I loved expressing the feelings and thoughts of others.

I loved understanding others.

I wanted to help everyone and it was probably a dumb thought, but the idea of it felt so nice.

You see-- growing up, it's what I did.

Help people.

In other words, I began to think it was my responsibility to make sure that somebody was safe, whether they were mentally well or not.

You see-- jealousy.

It was something me and Chuwie both related on.

We both began comparing ourselves to these people.

However, I never got to see this girl, physically.

Yet, the way he seemed about her, the way his eyes changed for her. Yeah, that's what I wanted for myself.

You know-- when you're somebody who gives all the time, receiving causes you to feel guilt, doesn't it?

You always feel terrible at the back of your mind.

'I'm asking for too much.'

'I'm wanting too much.'

'I feel so bad, this should be enough, right?'

I didn't know whether I was asking or wishing for too much, Jimin.

You didn't let me understand whether I was either.

You left me even more clueless.

"Azula was very pretty." Chuwie commented.

I knew who Azula was, one of my classmates.

She was gorgeous, I couldn't deny.

However, this whole comparison upset me.

Nobody was perfect.

I've talked to this girl a few times and she was just like us.

"So are you." I say to Chuwie.

She sighs, "Yeah, but-- when he mentioned her being his ideal type. It was sad. I didn't have anything she had. Her body type, her facial features, everything."

I frown.

It made me wonder, would I have been the same if I saw this girl, would I compare myself?

To be honest, at some point I considered it.

I was curious-- I know I would've questioned my self worth, and my sense of belonging.

You know, maybe we didn't belong together.

We were almost like the sun and the moon, far different; opposites.

Yet, the attraction pulled us towards each other.

We had so many similarities, yet so many differences.

Maybe, just maybe the differences were more visible than those that weren't.

Jimin, at some point.

I wished you were my friend.

I looked back, I wished I stopped what we had, I wish I could've stopped the deed before it was done--

However, something's just inevitable, right?

Jimin, I had a dream-- such a beautiful dream; it was toxic, but I molded you into my character, in other words, I wanted to create you.

In the end, the dream stayed as simply as it was; a dream.