Celestial Worlds

Chapter Forty-one

“You were out long,” Daniel says.

    I tried to open the door as quietly as possible, hoping he was asleep but he isn’t. He’s on the couch, the television playing a movie. He doesn’t look at me when he says that. I know he’s angry at me.

    I close the door behind me and look at him. My palms are sweaty and I’m nervous. It’s late, it really is. It’s past midnight and I’ve been gone for four hours. I don’t know how I’ll lie.

    “Uh, yeah,” I say. I start to walk upstairs but he stops me.

    “We aren’t done yet, Victoria,” he says in a loud voice. I retrieve the four steps I managed to get and turn to him.

    “What? The bookstore was closed so I went to other bookstores across town. They were also closed so I haven’t got any books,” I reason out. It came out smoother than I imagined. It seems like he doesn’t buy it because he speaks up again.

    “Bookstore?” he asks, his eyes still on the television. This time, I look at his eyes and see that they are bloodshot and red. Has…he been drinking? “If you went to the bookstore, why is your dress wet?”

    This wasn’t ending nicely.

    It’s true, the top and bottom parts of my dress are wet because I swam in my underwear and they got wet. “I—I had to walk because I didn’t bring money. I got sweaty.” He doesn’t seem to buy it. He still keeps his eyes on the television and I follow his arms then his hands. His right hand is clutching the remote and his left one clutches a can. Beer. He has been drinking.

    He speaks up again, a little slurred. “Really? You were roaming around the town past midnight looking for a bookstore and somehow, your whole hair got wet. From sweat,” he emphasizes, looking at me this time. He is drunk. His hair is messy and I stole a glance at the foot of the couch. There’re empty cans of Budweiser, scattered and messy. I swallow the lump rising at my throat.

    “I’ll sleep,” I state, my voice thick. I’m not crying, not yet. I don’t want him to see me cry because that’ll give me away. He’ll found out that I did something horrible and shameful.  I run upstairs, ignoring Daniel’s shouts from downstairs. I open his bedroom door and throw my purse on the floor, my mouth tasting saltiness. I never knew when or how I cried, he’s changed, he’s changed and it hurts me to see him like that.

    Because even though I love Jonathan, I also love Daniel and I’m torn in between. Both of them pulling at my arms and shouting mine mine mine. They’re ripping my body in half, claiming me.

    But they don’t know they’re also ripping my heart

---

I woke up with Daniel by my side, his arms wrapped around a pillow. He’s snoring lightly and his mouth is parted. He has no shirt on and he smells like beer and vanilla. But the vanilla scent is fading out. I sigh and shift out of bed, passing Ford in the doorway. I go downstairs and prepare some breakfast for us, even though I know he won’t be eating. He’s grown thin now, his collarbones are deeper than before and his jaw is bony, I need to urge him to eat, even if that means chewing it first.

    He goes down after I place the last egg, he sits down on the chair and places two fingers on his temple and he closes his eyes shut like he has a headache. He has hangover.

    I pull out a coffee I made for him because of this reason and hand it shyly to him, hoping he didn’t remember what happened last night.

    “Here,” I say, placing the coffee on a coaster and pushing it in front him. I sit on the counter and watch him drink from below.

    He pulls out the coffee mug from his mouth and says, “Thanks,” in a quiet tone. He places down the coffee mug and pushes two fingers against his temples again. “Victoria,” he says in an unsure tone. “Have I—Have I said something…bad…to you last night?” he asks. I know he’s guilty and I’m thankful that he said something like this.

    I smile at him warmly and say, “Yeah, something like that, I guess.” He smiles and looks down at his coffee, then he stands up and wraps his arms around my waist, resting his chin on my shoulder like he used to. He leans back so he looks at my face, his arms still wrapped around me.

    “I’m sorry, baby. You know I’ve had it hard,” he says. I smile at him, my eyes fighting back tears because he’s called me baby again. It’s been a while and I miss that, my ears yearning to hear that word. I pull him close and kiss him softly, he kisses back immediately and pulls me closer.

    My legs and insides ache because of last night. On the beach. With Jonathan.

    Jonathan.

    I pull away from him abruptly and he looks at me, worried. “What’s the matter baby?” he asks, tucking a wayward strand of hair behind my ear. I shake my head vigorously and try to smile, tears falling fast down my face.

    I can’t kiss him, I can’t kiss him anymore because I’ve done something horrible last night and I don’t want to tell him because I’m scared. I’m so scared of losing him and I can’t leave his, his mom already did.

    I smile at him and say, “Nothing, I just really miss you.” I wipe my tears with the back of my hands and he kisses my forehead for a long time before wrapping me in his arms in a tight hug.

    “I know, I’m really sorry too,” he apologizes. He carries me down the counter and settles me down beside him. “Let’s wash the dishes,” he suggests with a smile. I know he’s trying to make things normal again nut I can’t. He can’t make things normal again because when I already solved the puzzle, I messed it up again. My fingers fumbling for one piece and unti  now, I couldn’t find the right one.

    Because after last night, nothing was ever normal for me.