Celestial Worlds

Chapter Forty-six

“I’m heading out to visit Nick, you wanna come?” Daniel asks me.

    I’ve just woken up and when I got down, Daniel’s already dressed.

    I shake my head in reply of his question and sit back down on the living room couch. I can feel him hovering on the front door, sighing and looking worriedly at me. Then after a moment, I hear the front door close.

    I’m alone here with Ford and myself. I was supposed to go to Jonathan’s but my dignity has left me and I’m tired. Tired of this life and tired of myself.

    I hardly slept last night because of thinking and crying silently beside Daniel.

    Thinking about what he said last night made me cry even more.

    After all I’ve done to him, he still cares for me. He isn’t ready to let me go. He doesn’t want to.

    I curl up on the sofa and sob quietly. I can’t handle anyone right now and I don’t want anyone near my disgusting being. I’m cheating on my boyfriend even after he caught me kissing another guy. I can’t even handle myself right now.

    I’m a trash bin and life’s dumping all problems on me.

    Covering me with them and dumping some more.

    I’ll go straight to the point: I can’t choose between them.

    Choosing between them is impossible for me. I love them both and they both love me. It’s like I’m cheating to both of them.

    Choosing between them is like choosing between three doors. Each of them is behind one but one door contains a knife. To be honest, the knife would be a better choice.

    It’s hurting me so much I can’t deal with myself. My worst fear isn’t snakes. My worst fear isn’t mice. It isn’t airplanes or heights. It isn’t even the sea or monsters.

    My worst fear is myself.

    My worst fear is myself and it’s true. I’m ashamed and I can’t face my own body, my own soul and my own bones. Even to myself, I’m lying.

    I’m gripping a pillow hard in my arms and I’m sobbing into it, drenching it in salty eye water. My eyes are squeezed shut because I’m blocking all of the hurt and releasing all of the lies through my tears. I wish I was blind so I didn’t see the people’s faces every time I do something wrong or I do something that hurt them. I wish I was blind so I didn’t  have to see everything that makes my heart burst and makes my lungs breath faster. I wish I was blind so I would let my heart choose.

    I’m sobbing louder into the pillow and my eyes are squeezed shut.

    A hand touches my shoulder.

    I pull away from the pillow and look up, horrified.

    When did Jonathan get here? I look through his hurt eyes and parted lips.

    “H-How did you come i-in?” I stammer, my breath hitching because of my sobs.

    He wipes my tears with his thumbs gently then he grabs my face. “That doesn’t matter. What the fuck is happening? Why are you crying?” He demands furiously. His eyes are blazing red and I’m precipitously petrified because every time Jonathan gets angry, you can’t stop him from doing things.

    I quickly wipe my non-existent tears off my face with the back of my hand and inhale through my nose. “Nothing, this is nothing,” I explain nonchalantly but I know there’s no point, I’ve already been caught red-handed.