Forever Wild (english)

A/N - fucking holidays

Well, happy holidays to myself.

I love my father, but I hate his "diseases". 

I have no one else to share this with, so I just have to get it of my mind now when "I am all alone on New Years eve". 

He has come to the stage where I'll call him an alcoholic. Not a full time, but part time. Every holiday and longer breaks, and weekends. Oh, and don't you forget about the nights after work where he think he drinks in secret.

I can smell the alcohol on his breath, and today, and on fucking Christmas Eve I smelled it of his clothes. I am 17, so now i apparently am old enough to handle being around people drinking off their faces.

I hate it. It makes me want to cry, but I haven't cried since i watched Clouds on Disney+, and that's around 5-6 months ago now. I wont let myself cry for somethin that stupid. 

There are a few times I allow myself to cry, when i read and something cry-worty happens, when I watch movies and something cry-worty happens, or when someone I know dies.

Oh, and my cat disappeared the first day in November, or October, or maybe it was september... I think it was October... I didn't cry for him... And I feel fucking terrible. I loved him more than I love myself, not that's hard but still.

And now my dad came back from drinking with his brother. Sometimes I can't believe they are more than 50 years. They behave like a mix of 5 year-olds and 14 year-olds. And I am disgusted.

I have told my mom, and she said she has talked about it to him, so now she thinks I shall tell him I don't like it. That's not something I manage to do. I don't have it in me. But everyone in my family are pertly against it, and I dont understand how he aren't able to see it.

We have come to the point where I wont talk to him at all when he's drinking. Most of the time he is just joking around and talking, but before... I can't bear to think about it...

I have never got hurt, just to say that! Not physically at least.

He just doesn't get that he's destroying every fucking holiday I have. If he hadn't been drinking as much, maybe I wouldn't have been such a bitch to him either. "But he doesn't to anything wrong. I have to get to enjoy myself with a drink or two when I don't have work"

Suck my balls and kiss my ass.

Had it only been a glass or two every now or then. But it's at least 5 shots of I don't even know, and 1-3 glasses cognac and maybe some wine, every day. Never a single day he doesn't drink some sort of alcohol. 

It is fucking disgusting.

On days he doesn't drink as much it may be a couple of beers and a little glass of wine or aquavit or cognac. Those  days are either really good, or he throws a tantrum and doesn't speak with us.

Yay to non alcohol days. He says his body hurts. How fucking weird man, you're working on a 2 week streak of drinking, how weird your body's telling you something is wrong.

Oh but I have arthritis, or I probably ate a little bit of something I don't tolerate.

I have to bite my tongue every time not to yell at him it's the fucking drinks stupid old man.

But I don't dare. I know what the outcomes likely are.

1. He drinks just as much

2- He throws an even worse tantrum

3. He will speak to everyone except me and my mother

And I am so glad I am allowed being home alone for weeks if I ask. Not during the short holidays at least, but I am allowed to stay there for up to 3-6 days. Those are the time I use to heal my self, and build myself up again to prepare for how he's behaving.

We throw him the most disgusted glances, and I shake my head every time he asks if someone wants a drink. 

Happy fucking holidays to me!