Help Me To Heal

Get out

"Chip.." Bucky began cautiously as Lexie absentmindedly drew circles in the palm of his vibranium hand.

"Yeah?" She replied sleepily

"I've been trying to work out how to bring this up, but um.. I was wondering if we could talk about what happened when you got upset at Zemo's? You said we would talk about it later, and I was just wondering if now is later enough?"

Lexie said nothing for a long moment, only sighed heavily. Bucky stayed quiet, he didn't want to force her to talk if she wasn't ready, he stroked her back reassuringly.

"That depends" she eventually spoke, turning to look at him over her shoulder

"On what?"

"Whether you're ready to have a pretty heavily emotional conversation"

Bucky looked thoughtful for a moment before nodding "if you are"

"I guess we'll have to talk about it eventually. Might as well be now" Bucky sat in silence waiting for her to begin. She turned so she was facing him, and sat cross legged between his legs, playing with his fingers nervously as she stared down at their hands.

"Ok, here goes.." she let out a shaky breath "so the reason I got upset, is because when Sam jokingly said about you getting me pregnant and you said it wouldn't be a problem if you had, you looked so happy, like even the prospect of me being pregnant made you deliriously happy"

Bucky's brows furrowed in confusion "it did. I know it's too soon but, is that such a bad thing?"

Lexie let out a sad chuckle and tilted her head back, willing the tears not to fall "yes"

"Why?" Bucky asked "I don't understand"

"Bucky.." Lexie bit her lip as she tried to find the strength to say the words out loud "Bucky I can't have children"

There was a brief moment of silence as Bucky tried to process what had been said. "Oh" was all he could manage to say.

"I um, I have a condition called PCOS, basically I had cysts on my ovaries and a hormonal imbalance which caused my periods to be not only frustratingly irregular but agonisingly painful. There was a multitude of other side effects, the main one being infertility. Since the chances of me ever being able to conceive were already slim to none, and there's no real treatment for it I decided to do the only thing that would cure it completely. I.. I um.. I got a hysterectomy. So because of that there's absolutely no way for me to get pregnant.."

Lexie stared down at their entwined hands, not daring to look at Bucky's face, not being able to bring herself to witness the heartbreak she was sure would be evident in his eyes. His steel blue eyes that felt like home to her, she couldn't bare for that to be taken away. They sat quietly for a while, until Lexie couldn't bare the silence any longer and she finally found the strength to look up at Bucky. The moment her eyes found his face, and she saw his blue eyes glistening with tears as he sadly stared in to the distance, her heart broke and she began to sob uncontrollably "I'm so sorry. I'm so so sorry" she repeated between sobs.

Bucky pulled her on to his lap and wrapped his arms tightly around her "shhh sweetheart, breath. Just breath. I've got you, you're ok. Just breath with me." He took hold of her hand and lay her palm on his chest "feel my heartbeat baby, focus only on my heartbeat"

Focusing on Bucky's steady heartbeat Lexie managed to calm herself and regain composure "I'm so sorry Bucky" she sniffled

He gently took hold of her chin and tilted her face up towards him. He wiped away her tears, laying a gentle kiss after every soft swipe of his thumb on her face until the tears had stopped. "You have nothing to be sorry for sweetheart"