RETROUVAILLES - POETRY

57 - innocence

TW: mentions of rape and sexual assault

i desperately want to know how it feels like to be as pure as a newly born baby; to not be tainted by lechery.

He was the reason i couldn't get a wink of sleep.
He was the reason i couldn't run water above my head without the fear of being groped and touched.

i yearn for touch,
i crave to be loved and cared for,
but the thing that happened wasn't what i asked for?

being so hypersexual; sexualising everything eventhough i did not want to.

my inner child is screaming their lungs off,
hopeless, calling out for me at the eleventh hour.

i feel so filthy,
my whole body fragmented into a billion pieces,
asking for help,
gasping for air

"oh when will this end?" it said.

everything i do for the sake of a
so called "coping mechanism"

but my state worsen.
it never got better.

"please let me go," my inner child said.

relieving myself,
feeling guilty afterwards.

all the experience
all the expectations
my childhood
ALL was taken away from me.

it wasn't his place to take it.
it wasn't my fault.
it was never my fault.
it was never my fault.
it was never my fault.

what did i wear?
did i provoke his behaviour?
why does it fucking matter?
look at what HE did to me.
are you saying i deserved any of this?
are you saying that if i didn't wear anything provocative that such things wouldn't happen to me?

now,
say that to a 10 year old.
say that to their face.
say it with all of your chest.
is a 10 year old capable of maternal instinct?
is a 10 year old capable of understanding consequences of other people's actions?
will they understand?
will they fucking understand?

everyone kept quite about it.
not a single soul was told,
about the event that occurred that day.

at 17,
when all was said and done,
i open myself up about it.
i said i was sorry.
i said it was my fault.
i said that i deserve to be treated the way i did.
can you tell me why, why did i say all of those things?

the pedestal that i once put myself on,
where was it?
did it crumble?
was it smashed?
did i not matter?
why did i expect less of myself,
when everything i did was for survival.

you ripped out a part of me that wasn't yours.
you took every bit of decency
that i have to relearn for myself.

driven by my resentment,
it will come for you,
lingers and descend upon like lightning.
as long as my grudges never fade,
my rage persist.