I'm Finally Wanted

Chapter 22

(listening to the song makes the chapter better, but you don't have to if you don't want to)

Tyler's pov:

I exhale shakily, as I look at Raven. She seems hollow inside. She seems like she's in pain, like she's been fighting to hold on for too long.

"Hey love." I whisper. Grabbing her cold dry hand I hold it tightly. "I really love you Raven."

I smile sadly as I look at her. "I love you so much. And because I love you so much, I'll understand if you're tired of fighting. It's ok if you want to go. You don't have to keep struggling to stay alive if you don't want to. I don't want you in pain sugarplum." My voice cracks slightly, and I have to take a second to just breathe. "I'm being selfish by asking you to stay. I never thought about the pain you must be in, and how tired you must be. The... uh" I take a deep breath and clutch ravens limp hand even tighter. "The doctors want to stop trying to keep you alive. It's been like 6 months now. They said even though your brain activity spiked a week or two ago, it's now lower then it was before. They said you won't wake up. Come Wednesday.... Come Wednesday they're gonna pull the plugs on your machines. They're gonna stop treating you."

A few tears slowly slide down my face. Facing reality is hard. Especially on your own.

"As much as I want to believe you'll wake up, I can't keep lying to myself. It's just going to make it so much worse when you're gone. I really don't want to loose you baby, but I can't be so selfish anymore. It's ok love."

"You'll be with our kids on their weddings from heaven. They'll understand. I'm so sorry Raven. I promised to protect you and I failed."

I kiss Raven's forehead as I stand up. "It's ok if you let go love. I'll understand. I love you Raerae. See you tomorrow."

As I walk away, I can't feel my heart slowly breaking into a million pieces. It's really sinking in that I won't be seeing my wife awake again. She really is gone. I'll never be able to hear her say she loves me again. I'll never be able to hear her call me a douchebag or insult me the way only a loving wife could.

I don't even make it to the elevator before I'm crying uncontrollably. I've lost my unborn child, and soon enough I'll loose my wife. Once Raven's gone, I don't know how I'll stay sane. How will I raise our kids by myself? How will I tell them mommy isn't waking up? And Christian? He's already struggling with guilt of Steve putting Raven in the coma, how will he handle knowing Steve is the reason Rae died? He'll never forgive himself, and it's not even his fault.

Maranda comes to me and hugs me. And instead of pushing her away, I hug her back.

"You know she'll wake up Tyler. She still has to meet me." Maranda whispers into my ear.

I shake my head. "She's not waking up Maranda. And you know that."

Maranda's silence is all I need. "I need a drink."

I walk away from Maranda, ignoring her as she calls after me. Maranda isn't going to magically make Raven wake up. No one can. I walk past Gloria without so much as a glance her way. I know she'd ask about Raven, and I know I'd completely break if I told her Raven isn't waking up.

I drive to the closest bar, and take at least 10 shots within the first few minutes of being there.

You failed her. She's dying because of you Tyler. My mind whispers to me. She lost her kid because you weren't there for her. She's dying because you didn't love her enough.

I shake my head and take another shot of whatever the bartender put in front of me. Anything to make the stupid voice shut up.

I'm right and you know it Tyler! Raven won't wake up because you gave up on her! You sick bastard. You promised you'd love her forever. Promised you'd stay by her side until death do you part, and where are you? Getting drunk not giving a single shit about her. She's gotta be disappointed in you.

Another shot. And another. Stupid inner voice. I just want it to go away.

What a pathetic husband you are. Wyatt would be disappointed in you. You didn't try hard enough to save him, and you didn't try hard enough to save Raven. Piece of shit. That's what you are.

I exhale heavily and stand up. I wobble slightly as I stomp out of the bar after paying. Instead of going to my car, I walk right past it. I'm not stupid enough to drive in the state I'm in. I may be slowly falling apart, but I can't risk my life. My kids need their dad. But they also need a mom.

I keep walking, having no idea where I'm going. I know these New York roads like the back of my hand, I did grow up here after all. So I could end up anywhere. But I don't care.

...

Soon enough I end up at a familiar apartment building. Of course I'd come here.

I walk inside and go to the buzzer and press the buzzer for penthouse 3.

"Who is it?"

"It's me Tyler." I say rolling my eyes.

"Oh cuz, come on up." Easton says and I go to the elevator and ride up to Easton and Angel's penthouse.

"Tyler, are you drunk?" Angel asks as she open the door for me.

I shrug. "Maybe. I've only had like 20 shots."

"Did you drive here?!"

"No. I'm not stupid Angel."

Easton comes out of his bedroom and crosses his arms as he looks me up and down. "What's up Tyler? You haven't touched an ounce of alcohol in the past 6 years."

"She's not waking up East. And it's all my fault." I say before I can stop myself. "It's my fucking fault she's dying."

"No no no, Tyler. It is not your fault. These things just happen. But Raven's a fighter. You know she'll be ok." Easton says placing a hand on my shoulder.

"You've always been a terrible liar East." I say rolling my eyes.

"Here Tyler, drink some water and take an Advil." Angel says. But I shake my head.

"Nope. Can't do that. I become sober and that stupid inner voice comes back. What am I even doing here? I want some more shots."

Easton grabs my shoulder. "No, Tyler. You know this isn't changing anything. Drinking won't make you feel better."

"She's never waking up Easton!" I yell ripping my shoulder from Easton's hand. "I promised her I'd protect her! Drinking who make anything better, I know it won't! But it sure as hell will make a great escape from all this fucking guilt I have!"

"Tyler. You're acting crazy right now. I know you're hurting, but Raven wouldn't want you to act like this would she? I want you to sober up then I'm taking you home."

"What home?! What home Easton! Home is wherever Raven is, and she's dying. I don't have a home anymore."

Easton opens his mouth, then closes it again.

"That's what I fucking thought."

*****
Welp.
I still feel like I'm not writing Tyler's emotions like I hoped I could. But I'm trying my best tic tacs.