Lost Connections

Chapter 18

Alex~

"Please say something, what happened back there? You just like- froze-" Amber rubbed my thigh. We were at her house, on her porch. There was a light breeze outside and the sun wasn't shinning.

"I'm fine." I started to breath heavily. No way I'm about to have a panic attack. Not over this. Not in front of Amber. "...Hey, stay right here, I'm gonna go get you some water." She said, looking at me with concerned eyes.

"No." I blurted.

"Okay, I won't leave. Calm down, you're fine, you'll be ok." She placed her hands on mine that was aching to scratch my skin. She held my hand delicately. "Just breathe. In through your nose, out through your mouth."

But I couldn't do any of those things. Jealousy hurts and you can't get rid of it until you accept reality. Even then it's still there. Teasing me.

What does he have that I don't? Why him and not me? Why did I have to fall in love with my best friend? And why the hell do I feel like I'm taking advantage of Amber... am I?

My breathing grew faster than I could handle. I was gripping onto Amber's thigh, marking it with a bright red scar.

I'm hurting her.

"I'm so sorry-"

Amber groaned loudly and continued to try to be gentle and calm me down. Then suddenly her front door opened. I couldn't see anyone walk out though. Amber turned quickly, "Don, tell mom to bring some water out here, please." She said quickly, then I heard little footsteps run back into the house.

I thought about how cute it was and the thought of it made me calm down a little. By the time her mom was outside with the water, I was calm, resting my head on Amber's shoulder and catching my breath.

"I promise she's ok mom. You can meet her later, now isn't a good time." Amber's voice was muffled. I was sitting in her room, on her bed. Her room was a pretty forest green color, she had posters of different animated shows and book quotes with cool backgrounds. Her bed sheets were black, and she had a big black rug with LED lights on the ceiling. I felt comfortable.

"Hey..." She opened the door slowly, "My mom said you could stay the night if you want to, but if not, I don't mind driving you home." She offered.

Is it weird that even after my panic attack I don't want to go home? I usually always want to be home during or after a panic attack. Not that I have them often, just when different thoughts and mixed feelings are spurring around in my mind. "Could I stay here?" I continued to look directly at the floor. I'm embarrassed. My new friend saw me have a panic attack. I must have looked so fucking stupid. "And I'm sorry about what happened on the porch. I didn't mean to freak out like that-"

"No, don't apologize... it's perfectly fine." We stayed silent for a bit. "Let's keep our minds off off it until my mom finishes up dinner." She smiled and pulled some board games from under her bed. God, I love board games.

"How'd you know I like board games?"

"Is that so? But are you good at them?" She challenged. Holding up a game of 'sorry.' We both smirked, I'm only half faking it. I want to forget about everything right now but wanting to doesn't mean it comes easy.

Her little brother opened the door. Now that I can get a good glance at him, he looks about 6, he has brown hair like his sister, big brown eyes and a few freckles. "Can I play?" He asked.

"Of course, you can." Amber smiled at him, waving for him to come in.

After a long game of taunting and laughing at each other, specifically me and Amber getting smart with each other and being petty with our moves, Don ended up winning. And as his prize he wanted me to read him a bedtime story, which of course I didn't mind doing.

After dinner I did just that. I read him my favorite story growing up: The Three Little Pigs but told in the wolfs point of view. And dinner was great, her mom was really nice, she even said some sly things that hinted Amber liked me. Not that I don't know that, but it was fun seeing Amber blush from embarrassment after all the times she's made me blush out of nowhere.

Now we're chillin' in her room, she let me work on an art piece while she finished up work that she didn't get to finish in class. My phone kept buzzing of texts, but I ignored it. Part of me wanted to pick it up and see if it was Braydon, wondering why I hadn't called him so we could play Minecraft together like we planned. But another part didn't want to see James, nor Loel's name on my phone.

"So... Loel." Amber said, sighing a little after she looked at yet another message that popped up on my lock screen from her. "She's trying to get to you... I think you should answer and at least tell her you're ok." She suggested.

"It's not that easy. You don't know anything." I said harshly. I'm not mad at her. I'm mad at myself for thinking that Loel would like me even if we started over. Even if I've been there for her before she got into the crash. Been there for her as soon as she woke up, calmed her down, made sure she was up to date with her work. No matter how much I do or how hard I try she will never look at me the way I look at her and it fucking hurts. Because I know she never will... I just don't want to believe it.

"You're right. I don't know. And I won't know unless you tell me."

I spun her desk chair around with a tear rolling down my face. "Loel is my best friend. I've liked her for almost two years, and she never felt the same, but she never knew I liked her. The day I was going to tell her, I saw her with James, I already hated James for the person he was, and we argued about it right in front of him. He wanted to leave so he took her, and they drove away. A few hours later he called me and said they got into and accident. She wasn't waking up, rushed to the hospital, her parents told me she had temporary memory loss. And here we are. Another chance to get her to see me differently, she still ends up with James, not thinking about how bad I hurt. But it's not even her fault because she doesn't fucking know. It's frustrating."

Amber looked hurt. Her eyes were glossier than usual. "So, you like her." She whispered under her breath, tucking her hair behind her ear. "A lot." I said, but I like her too. I don't know. This is confusing.

"We should get some sleep, yeah?" She said, closing her workbook and placing it on the floor. "You don't have to go to school tomorrow if you don't want to." She added.

"Yeah, I don't really want to. I um... I also need clothes to sleep in." I laughed nervously.

"Right! My top drawer are things I wear to bed."

I slipped on black shorts and a really thin hoodie. Then I got in her bed, I felt nervous about sleeping beside her. I turned towards her and laid my head on her chest. "Is this is ok?" I whispered. "Mhm." She hummed and wrapped her arm around me.