Lost And More Importantly, Loved

Chapter 14

Stella

Axel gives off an awkward smile in return of mine - which was much much more brighter compared to his, somewhat forced smile. I quickly brush off the thought of thinking about it too deeply. It's Terry's birthday, I try and remind myself. I need my thoughts to my ally today not my enemy like the last few weeks. I should give myself a pat on the back for that. Slow progress is still a step forward and the fact that I'm recognizing this must mean I'm gaining back my self-awareness. But suddenly I'm questioning it, did I ever lose it?

I internally get annoyed myself with the cross questioning. I have to come to terms that I won't always have the answers to everything even if I keep seeking for them. Some reasons for things are just meant to be kept unknown. I take a deep breath and try and center all my attention on what's happening in the present.

Axel. Terry's birthday. That's where my mind should comfortably be at.

When Joey hurries in for a hug, my shoulders tense up abit knowing Axels watching and how awkward it might be for him to place his feelings at this moment. I casually pat Joey's back, confused by the sudden embrace.

"You've saved us!" Joey exclaims in relief.

"And how did I manage to do that?" I say as a smile plays on my lips, fully convinced that what he had said is a joke.

Joey now gives me a penetrating look of seriousness which abruptly concerns me.

"What's wrong?" I ask.

Joey turns around and glances at Axel, hoping he'd form some coherent reply to my question. I stand there waiting for what might just be a minute and in my opinion, it probably was the longest minute I've ever witnessed. 60 seconds can easily be a drag if awkward silence fills the spaces between us. But the thing about silence, it makes observing way too easy.

"Where's Terry?" I ask, realizing that he should be somewhere around here. He cannot be left out of sight on his birthday if we're planning a surprise. It won't work then. That was the plan. That was promised.

"He's in the bathroom..." Axel finally mutters.

"Go on, I'm listening."

"BUT HE'S HUNGOVER OKAY? IN FACT, WE ALL ARE!" Joey exclaims, panting like he has bottled up this for too long and finally had let it out.

"What?! You guys were just supposed to accompany him, not get that drunk."

The wretched feeling of shame fills both Axel and Joeys faces as they lower their heads, unable to look me straight in the eye.

"I'm the one you should blame." Axcel says, almost immediately.

"Bro, it was mine as-" Joey, tries to share the blame.

"No. It's solely mine. I got drunk last night knowing it's Terry's birthday today. I went too far. Not you." Axel corrects Joey.

"But still-" Joey interjects.

Right. Last night.

I'd almost forgotten. Imagine how Axel would react if I told him I'd almost forgotten about his confessional feelings, served on a silver platter which was, if I might add, wrapped completely in honest but topped with intoxication.

"Even though this is not okay right now. I'll let it slide and spare us from Emily's wrath if she were to find out." I say, trying to interrupt all the thinking of last night.

But my statement isn't far from the truth though. Emily would kill us all - with her bare hands - if she were to find out. Emily might be sweet at heart but she's one to hold a grudge, especially if there are promises involved. The boys messed up. True. But whilst I'm here, we can still save Terry's birthday from the ruins.

"We appreciate it, alot Stel. We all know how Emily would react, so thank you." Joey says thankfully whilst Axel stands there dumbfounded on words. He's stratching the back of head, unable to form a simple "Thank you".

Joey looks at him awaiting for his gesture of thanks but he still just stands there. I decide to ignore him.

We eventually decide that Joey will distract Terry until the time comes for him to arrive at the venue. However, Axel and I will go deliever the drinks at the bar.

We get into the car and I'm in the driver's seat. There's awkward silence again and it's unbearable.

"Hey, I'm sorry. About everything." He finally says.

Now was that so difficult?

"It's okay." I say and then notice that my journal still on my dashboard. I reach out for it, with the intention of putting it on the back seat but Axel does so before me.

"Here you go." Axel says, handing it over to me but his eyes does not leave my journal.

"You know, you can't see in between these pages by staring at it like that no matter how hard you try." I tease.

My teasing doesn't break his stare at all. It's like my words are right running through his ears and none of them are actually being heard.

"Axel?" I wave my hand infront of his intense stare.

Still continues staring. I have no idea what thoughts are imploding in his head right now but all I can tell from looking at him is that he's having way too many of them.

I decide to start the engine and hit the road in order to make it to the bar in time. Gotta make sure Emily doesn't find any fault in our actions today.

We pass the neighborhood and a car swiftly passes by me without any warning. Damn, those cars. Those people. That driver. A pure example of idiotic mannerism. I press my hooter so hard notifying all the drivers around about my anger. They don't seem too bothered but it surely does something to Axel, kicking him out of that haze.

He shakes his head, snapping himself out of it.

"Hey, are you alright?" I ask, trying to divert my attention from the road to him.

"Yeah. Uhm, actually th-there's something I have to tell you." His stutters make me panic abit.

"Okay, I'm all ears." I say, taking a glance at the road and then quickly back at him.

"That day. The day you saw Callum, when you locked yourself up in your room and Joey and I were trying our best to get you out of there because we were getting abit concerned..."

He looks like he's going to regret continuing. He lowers his head, closing his eyes for moment.

"When we got you out of your room. Your journal, this journal, was laying open and... I happen to have read how much it hurt. How broken you are. How much you've missed him. But realizing how you no longer have him." His voice is trembling and I can see the guilt in his eyes and full of apologies.

I grip the steering wheel as the memory harshly flashes in my mind. The hurt. The pain. The longing.

My heart rate rises and my chest tightens.

"How dare you?!" I say inbetween seeking to catch my breath.

"I'm sorry I just-"

"You obviously know nothing about privacy, Axel!" I exclaim, now giving him my full attention, leaving on hand on the steering wheel.

"No! Save your useless excuses!"

"I just wanted to-"

"Just st-"

"Stella, infront of us!"

I manage to pull the break, hearing my tyres screeching on the tar road but the cars impact comes full force either way.

"Stella!..." I hear a voice fade out.