Lost And More Importantly, Loved

Chapter 12

Stella

I don't know how to react. Axel had caught me off guard with this sudden confession of his. Is this real or just a confession by the means of the intoxication bubbling in his system? I refrain from thinking about that and just focus on the words he had said. Usually, people say the eyes are the windows of the soul, meaning that just by looking at that person you can understand their thoughts and emotions. I always had difficulty understanding that saying because for me, I couldn't see it at all looking at him. I couldn't see or feel anyone else's emotions for a long time. Which is strange because my Enneagram type is type 4. Over the months my own emotions took the better of me and I hate that my behavior is always expressive. Although it's always expressive, I've become more emotionally honest.

"Axel, I don't know what to say." I start out.

There's one thing I know for sure. I'm not ready for this. I'm aware that I'm in no place to reciprocate anything.

"The thing is... I'm not emotionally available for this quite yet. And if I ever were to like you as well I would like to feel exactly the same."

"Stella... I don't care about that right now. If you don't feel anything right now, I could just try, right?"

"Why would you even want that? Wouldn't you want the feeling to be mutual?"

"Of course I would! That's all I want. But I could try helping you out of that emotional unavailability by expressing my emotions for you and then maybe – hopefully, some day you'll feel the same.''

"Do you know how big of a risk that is?''

"I do. But I'm willing to take it. Maybe this is all happening at the wrong time but that doesn't mean I'm going to give up on what I'm feeling. I want to be completely open and honest about how I feel. We started talking so much after we had opened up that after that all I kept thinking after that was you. You broke down walls I've been perfecting for years. Nobody has ever done that before. So that's why I think it's worth it, why you're worth it."

Axel has become so constant with pulling out the air out of my lungs leaving me speechless. I didn't know how to feel except for guilt. Why would he even do this? Does he know how much he'll be left with if eventually this doesn't pan out the way he wants it to? He's crazy.

He continues.

"Let's make a deal." He suddenly says off topic.

"Okay..." I say carefully, not knowing what he might suggest.

"Give me a month." He says as if the words he might utter next considers a considerable amount of introspection.

"Give me a month. If you don't feel anything for me by then, then I'll gladly accept it knowing I've tried."

"And if I do end up feeling something?'' I question, which I realize is a bit silly considering now being aware of his feelings.

"Well then, I'd be the happiest guy around.'' He says, giving me a lopsided smile.

I contemplate on giving a response immediately. What do I even say? Which is the right or wrong decision. I can hear Elles voice in my head shouting "IF YOU DON'T TRY, YOU'LL NEVER KNOW STELLA!" Despite how unfair it would be in the end if I don't end up feeling the same since he's my friend but also if he's willing to take the chance, should I too?

What becomes of our friendship if I accept to this deal?

Would it be the same?

Friendships and feelings are things that shouldn't be mixed. At all costs. I know that. But then again, I so desperately want to put an end to this unavailability of emotions. I want to feel again. I really want to get better and feel something other than the dismal feeling that etched it's way over the wounds of my heart.

And who knows? Maybe I'll happily end up with Axel.

The way he describes me is beyond my measure of description. He's one person that values me highly. But those high standards only make me afraid of which might lead to a huge disappoint and there's nothing that hurts more than disappointment.

My thoughts become firm about my decision. I deserve to be happy, I try telling myself. I can't let my last heartbreak have this a death grip around me anymore.

I'll become better. I'll try.

Axel looks sleepy, his eyes are closing partially and he's got a wry smile plucked on his face, waiting for my response to all his confessions and suggestions he has made in just one night.

"Okay, I want you to realize how much this takes out of me. I hope you always keep in mind that I'm still emotionally unavailable if your feelings ever get in way of a situation, however I won't hesitate to tell you if I move away from being so. I hope I feel differently soon. I don't want to stay or feel this dead inside. I can't put my life on hold just because I feel this way either. After many heartbreaks, liking someone new again after a couple of months wasn't a strenuous thing to do. It's just this time around I finally felt tired. My heart is tired. I will let you in, for the sake of trying and maybe hopefully I will finally feel again. So please take it easy."

Axels eyes widen in astonishment and a small relief overtakes his expression.

"Does this mean..." He says, wanting me to complete his sentence.

"Yes, Axel. I'll take the chance."

As much as I'm taking this chance, he grabs the chance to embrace me.

"I appreciate it, really. You have no idea, Stella. I'll take it easy but don't be surprised if I end up giving you-"

"Please don't be cringy and say the world. I want the entire solar system." I say confidently and he seems to be caught off guard.

"That's a big demand."

"Then stop with cringy lines."

"I was trying to be romantic."

"Try again, you suck at it."

"Fine. Atleast now, I get to try how much I want." He says, smirking and I burst into laughter.