Lost And More Importantly, Loved

Closing Chapter 21

Stella

The day goes on just as I remember it, the day that broke my world came creeping up emotions. I tried my best to not mind it. To forget it. To forgive. And it was like he was completely wiped from my radar, but still not so luckily from my heart.

But it was somewhat easier going about life, it's just days like these that seem to impact me, making me feel like my old wounds are still fresh.

This scar is a reminder that the memory of him cannot be easily discarded. Situations in my life may have led to the attempt to wipe it but it only left me with consequences. This scar is the consequence. How can I forget when it's even more difficult to do so now? I can't even look at myself. This is not a fight between head and heart, this takes my entire being. This takes the contents of my soul to overcome.

It is the anniversary of that day. The day that left my heart remaining in pieces. I am struggling to find each of part of it, hoping I can piece it back together.

Unfair is what it is. The reminder of him knows no measures of escape and I often think that's just how it's supposed to be. So, for the past year I've learnt to walk and take one step at a time with the means of acceptance, but I still feel like there's no clear direction.

I breathe.

Your 20s are notoriously known to always make you feel doubtful about whether you're doing your best or if you're doing enough. Hasn't life given us enough emotional torture?

I think I've have had enough that could last a lifetime. That's always what we think, but we're always meant to endure more, nonetheless.

I guess I'm just going with the flow of life. Trying my best not to think much of it or be too hard on myself. Most of me craves stability right now even when it hardly seems within reach.

The anniversary did its justice by bringing back the stained memory of Callum. As time passed I've gathered some thought on the way things ended between us, putting aside my feelings and looking at the bigger picture.

He wasn't a bad person. He was just a lost soul, drowning in his own grief whilst trying to give as much as he wanted to receive. But love isn't an endgame. The endgame was just the choice between choosing to stay or leave. And he left. So when I look back it, I was just part of the process of finding himself again and it's so damn unfair that it had to be me. Not that it would be of any less pain to anyone else but carrying this sadness? The permanency of it always shows. That's what's unfair. How unfortunate that a love for him means nothing to him now.

Seeing him with someone else took a great deal of time and acceptance, a point I've finally reached. I am happy for him though. Happy that even if he couldn't love like he truly does at the time, he does now. He got through it. Demons were defeated although the consequences were losing me. If I think about it in a better light, one could say that his doing was an act of love in disguise. After all, love requires sacrifice.

When acceptance comes, I always seem to look back with a bit of disgust - where my emotions are concerned. I wish I hadn't shown that I still had all those feelings. I wish I didn't. I wish I didn't cling to the memory of him. I wish I didn't have a heart full of hope. I wish I didn't wait. Because that day, at the hospital dorm, when he had confirmed he didn't feel the same anymore - everything came to standstill. Like I functioned on that bit of hope that he'd still feel the same.

And just like that, a year has passed and everything within me is still frozen. My mind is the only thing that does its job. It's quite the over-achiever. My heart on the other hand seemed to have lost its beat of passion and intensity. It just knows to keep me in existence now.

My limits to interest in another person was just admiring them from afar but my heart never allowed more than that. I don't think I'd have it in me to seek interest so wholly again. And as always, funnily, I had no clue if life ever had plans or the intention of changing it.

Life is like that full of grieving, but we remain living.

I am just doing so.