Lost And More Importantly, Loved

Chapter 16

Stella

Axels outcry for me to be angry at him was somewhat disburbing. I didn't understand it. I didn't understand all he said and why they're having their own little private conversation in the corner like I'm not here at all. Actually, why are they excluding me in the first place? We're supposed to be friends. And friends include one another.

This is quite suspicious.

My thoughts drift away from the present and I begin to think about Callum. And the more I think, the more it hurts. Will the deep cut, scarring my heart in the most inconvenient of ways ever heal?
I miss him. I won't deny. But missing him doesn't bring me anywhere but pain.

So when is the right time to let go?

What counts as the right time when hope for us is still planted within me?

When is it ever the right time?

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Two weeks had passed by and I'm still on my hospital bed. Confused mostly because Axel got discharged after a week and I still have to sit here, counting the buttons on my nightgown whilst they call me in for everyday tests, check ups and wrapping me up with new bandages. It's been exhausting - this whole hospital thing. But what's been more exhausting  is the doctor telling me that I've lost some memories.

I couldn't believe it at first. Because what's there to remember other than how much pieces my heart feels? Ugh, that sounds full of self-pity. Disgusting.

Axel, Joey, Emily and Terry were all by my side when I were told and all their faces saddened when they looked at me. I felt nothing. I'm too numb for any of this, so I just stared back at them blankly. They all gave words of comfort and tried telling what should probably be of recent moments because I can't recall what they were talking about. But I just smiled, not knowing how else to react.

I didn't want to make it obvious that I had no idea even I'm pretty sure it was. I just didn't want to keep asking "That really happened?" "No way" "I can't believe that happened." because it did. It did all happen. My stupid brain just can't connect the dots right now and to some degree, it might be driving me alittle insane.

The scary thing about memo-core amnesia is that the little memory you have left from your past can either forever be a stagnant memory your mind keeps resetting to or your braincells can just decide to reduce in size, until well, there's no braincells left and you end up brain dead. That's a brutal of putting it but I don't see how else I'm supposed to think of it.

Every one of my friends had a mouthful of what to say about what happened in the last month. We exchanged grins, laughs and moments of awkwardness. But Axel had become abit more quiet after a week had passed.

Last week, he had sat down at my bedside every waking moment of the day and probably night, I don't know. All I know is he is the last person I saw before my eyes drifting into sleep.

He told me about how we'd watch movies together, shared truths that nobody had come close to knowing and how I'm the one who had helped broken his down walls. Of fears and insecurities.
To me, it sounded abit odd but the seriousness in his eyes proved that he had meant every word he was saying and he needed me to listen. So I did because that's all I could do.

----

It was a Saturday afternoon and the rain is hitting the window pane on my left side. My friends were here for the afternoon, serving me tea and some nice chocolate biscuits after Elle had left.