Darkest Shadows

1) Stuck In Limbo

"It's not easy for me, but that doesn't mean I don't love you."--Ambrose

♡

He's so proud. Prouder than ever that Ambrose is working through his troubles and getting better, that doesn't mean it's easy for either. It isn't easy to support someone so broken and be optimistic enough to keep them going when all you're thinking in your head is when I wake up will he be breathing? It's Jaxin's greatest fear. If he lost his boyfriend then he'd lose himself, so much of who he is now is because of Ambrose, that man has changed him forever.

He turns on his side and brings his fingers up to Ambrose's temple, brushing hair out of his face and stroking his cheek. He loves watching Ambrose sleep, it's the only time that he is really calm, no furrow in his brown, no grimace. They'd been growing farther apart and it's killing Jaxin, when he wakes up Ambrose isn't cuddled in his arms anymore, he doesn't kiss him in the mornings anymore, it's like they're strangers. It started getting worse when Trouble said she was pregnant, Ambrose started getting closed off and now that she's had the baby Ambrose is withdrawn except for when he holds Tarver. Sucks that my boyfriend smiles at a child and not me.

It hurt to think Ambrose believes that Jax is falling out of love—it isn't possible. He's never been more in love, and he's tried but can't seem to find the roots of his depression. Ambrose stirs in Jax's arms. "Jax?"

"Yeah love."

Ambrose looks up at Jaxin with sad eyes. "Are we okay?"

How does he answer that? He doesn't want to lie or give false hope. "Do you want to be?"

"Of course I do, I miss us. I miss you. I feel like we're strangers now and I hate it."

"Me too. You're distancing yourself from me Amby, you don't smile at me anymore, you don't spontaneously kiss me anymore and when I wake up you're out of my arms. You're right here but I can't find you. Whatever is making you distant you can tell me, we've been through a lot, and I can handle it, I'm not quitting on you Ambrose, not ever."

Ambrose nods and buries his face in Jaxin's neck. "It doesn't feel right."

"What doesn't?"

"Me."

"What do you mean?" Jax asks. He's aware that Ambrose is still far from being who he was before, but he thought they had worked that out some. "What about you?"

"I don't want to hurt you."

"What's hurting me is you not telling me. You don't have to try and protect me Amby, I'm strong enough to handle it." He places his hand on Ambrose's cheeks and rubs his thumb back and forth relishing in the way Ambrose leans closer. "Tell me."

"Later," he replies. "Can we just sleep now?"

Jax nods and starts to pull away but Ambrose clings tighter to him, burying his mop of brown hair in Jax's chest, his arms tight around Jax's waist. Jax was falling asleep pretty quickly again since Ambrose was back in his arms, but he was awake enough to hear Ambrose say, "I love you Jaxin no matter what I say or don't say, do or don't do. I love you."