Drawn to His Flame

Liyab

I rested my chin on Regan's head and softly caressed his back while he continued to pour his heart out. Nasasaktan ako kapag naririnig ko siyang umiyak pero hindi ko siya pinigilan ngayon dahil alam kong kailangan niyang ilabas ang lahat. It's the only way for him to be free of the burden he's silently bearing.

And I'll just be here for him, offering my warmth and protection.

I didn't know how long we stayed in that position. Nakahinga ako nang maluwag nang maramdaman ko ang unti-unti niyang pagkalma. Suddenly, electricity began coursing my veins when I realized something. My breathing hitched when I looked at Regan. I've been waiting for this to happen for all those months. My heart longed for him and now, he's back. He's finally back in my arms.

I can hear his breaths steadying and I prayed that he wouldn't hear how labored mine became because of him.

It's always because of him.

But as Regan's muffled sobs slowly began to subside, my chest tightened when I felt his arms loosening around me. Nanuot kaagad ang lamig ng gabi sa katawan ko nang tuluyan na siyang kumalas mula sa akin bago siya tumayo at tumalikod.

Yakult and Donut surrounded him but he paid them no attention and started walking away instead. Tumayo na rin ako para sundan siya.

Kung dati ay maiinis ako dahil parati na lang niya akong tinatakbuhan pero ngayon ay hindi na. I knew everything was hard for him before he even knew what truly transpired. Kaya sigurado akong mas lalong mahirap para sa kanya na iproseso ang lahat ngayong alam na niya ang katotohanan tungkol sa nangyari noon.

"Regan," I called his name but instead of turning back, his steps increased in speed. Lihim akong napangiti nang may mapansin ako sa paraan ng paglalakad niya. He walks like a penguin and I find it cute.

"Can I walk you back to your car?" Nilakasan ko ang boses ko dahil nakalabas na siya ng gate ng mansiyon at medjo malayo na siya mula sa akin. Nang makita kong napahinto siya ay hindi ko na napigilan pa ang pag-usbong ng ngiti sa aking mga labi.

Hindi siya sumagot at hindi rin niya nagawang lumingon sa akin. Ilang segundo ang lumipas at ipinagpatuloy niya ulit ang paglalakad pero nakita kong mas mabagal na iyon kumpara kanina. I think I look like a fucking mad man because of how hard I smiled right now. His silence always means yes but his change of behavior just gave me the go signal I needed to do what I intend to do.

From the past weeks, I realized that Regan feared confrontations. Dahil kapag lumalapit ako sa kanya ay kusa siyang lumalayo na para bang mayroon akong nakakahawang sakit. It was only lately that I discovered how he acted like that. I was rushing him. I was forcing him to digest things that he still wasn't emotionally and mentally prepared to handle.

Minamadali ko siya dahil takot ako na baka huli na ang lahat. But I was wrong. I should've trusted him as well. I should've given him space and time.

The truth might have unfolded in a very unexpected way but this time, I know that I wouldn't fuck up. Alam ko na ang dapat gawin. I'll just take things slowly. Healing might take years or some wounds may not even mend but I'll do everything to make it happen. I'll do everything to make it up to him.

All for him.

A cold night breeze suddenly blew at our direction and I saw Regan shivering. I've been keeping a safe distance from him because I told myself that I would be respecting his personal space but I couldn't stop myself this time. Hinubad ko ang suot kong jacket at naglakad papalapit kay Regan. I hesitated again but I still decided to place my jacket on his shoulders, holding my breath in the process.

Regan didn't flinch when I did that, to my relief. Nagpatuloy lang siya sa paglalakad habang ako naman ay dumistansya ulit sa kanya. Nanatili ang paningin ko sa likuran niya habang taimtim na hinihiling na sana bumagal pa ang oras dahil naaaninag ko na ang kotse niya at ibig sabihin no'n ay ilang minuto na lang ay aalis na ulit siya.