blame it on the timing // d.s

CH 73

After wondering the streets around her apartment complex, she found a metal bench out front of an ice cream shop, where she took a seat after buying a scoop of birthday cake ice cream.

Lili took out her phone, dialing the one person who could always make sense of whatever the world threw at Lili.

"Hi, honey!" Becca's cheery voice rang though the speaker of her phone.

"Hey, mama," Lili's voice was soft, obvious pain behind her words.

"Lili, honey? Whats wrong?" Becca asked, she was able to see behind her words no matter what, she didn't even need to see Lili's face to know she was upset.

"Uhm," Lili tried to figure out what to say, she didn't want to tell her mom she was pregnant, she felt oddly ashamed, "Uhm"

"Lili?"

"I have friend with a problem that I don't know how to help," Lili came up with a quick lie.

"Okay," Becca was unsure about this "friend" thing, "Whats the problem?"

"She got pregnant, but it's with someone she really likes and would want kids with but she said she doesn't feel ready," Lili explained, "And Dre...I mean this friend's partner is ready and wants to have it but she doesn't know how to get through to him that she's not ready"

"Well for one, is this friend you?"

"Pff," Lili scoffed, "No...okay yes"

"Two, did Drew say why he felt ready?"

"I mean he just said he wanted to keep it and that we were ready, like financially and stuff," Lili shrugged, looking down at the melted bowl of ice cream in front of her, playing with the spoon.

"Okay, why do you not feel ready?"

"I don't know, it just feels wrong," she sighed, taking a minute to really think about her feelings, "Like I don't feel like I should be bringing a kid into this world when there's so many like me who need loving homes"

Becca took a deep breath.

"I guess I just feel like since I know how the system is I should help people with in it, instead of just adding another person to the world"

Being adopted always something Lili took pride in because she felt like it gave her a second chance at life, and growing up she always knew she wanted to adopt instead of have kids of her own because of that exact reason.

She had also made such a large effort, throughout the years, to donate to foundations that helped kids in the system get scholarships, food and anything else they need, helping kids like her was something that brought her so much joy.

"Have you told him that?"

"No, I don't think I realized that's how I really felt until now," Lili bit the inside of her cheek.

"I think you should talk to him, you know he'll understand, he loves you, a lot, I mean look at how untraditional your life is and he asked me for my blessing before he proposed," Becca explained with a small chuckle.

"You're right," Lili smiled, "I'll talk to you later," she got up and threw her trash away.

"I love you, honey," Becca smiled.

"I love you, too, Mama," Lili smiled before hanging up and sliding her phone into her pocket, heading back to the apartment.

After a ten minute walk back, Lili unlocked the front door of the apartment, making Drew perk up from where he had been quietly waiting on the couch.

"Hey," Lili said softly, looking over at Drew as she slowly shut the door behind her.

"Hi," Drew looked over at her, nervous for what she would say.

"Can we talk?"

Drew nodded as Lili came to sit across from him on the couch.

"I'm just gonna keep things blunt," Lili started, eyes focused on her hands as she softly rubbed her nails together, "I don't want to have this kid because it feels wrong, and not because of you or me," she looked up at him.

"I told myself that I would never have kids of my own because of my past, there's so many kids in the adoption and foster care system that need homes, they need families, and I know how much adoption changed my life," she took a deep breath, Drew still just watching her speak, it starting to click in his head, "It feels like I would be going back on my own promise to help kids just like me, and I don't want to do that"

Drew put his hand on Lili's to stop her fidgeting, "I'm sorry I didn't think about that, I was only thinking about the here and now"

"Its okay, but don't think this means I don't want to have kids with you, I do!" she smiled, holding his hands as she sat up excitedly, "I want that big backyard with dogs running around and kids, carseats in the back of our cars, but just not now," her tone dropped, "I want to be able to enjoy it and I just don't think I would right now"

"What do you mean?"

"Both you and I have so many projects coming up, I just feel like we need to give it a couple more years, then we can get actually married, find a house, and start a family, take some time off from any new projects, so we can enjoy being parents"

Drew hated the idea of waiting longer for their family life to start but he knew she wouldn't change her mind.

"Okay, compromise," he started, Lili nodded, "We have the wedding in the next year or so then in a few years after we've done all the stuff we've already agreed to we can settle down"

"I like that," Lili smiled.

"Now what do we do about," he looked down at her stomach.

"Uhm," she glanced down, "I'll have to make an appointment I guess," she looked back up at him, "And we'll have to be more careful"

They were silent for a second, emotions bubbling up in Lili's eyes, "God this feels wrong too," she fell back onto the couch, arms crossed over her chest, knees bent up as few tears falling from her eyes.

Drew scooted closer to her, putting his hands on her knees, "It's because you have a big heart," he smiled down at her, his hands sliding down her calves as he rested his chin on her knee.

"Why is life so complicated?" she looked up at him.

"I'm here to make it easier in any of way I can," he smiled giving her leg a loving squeeze, and a couple light kisses on her knee.

"Thank you," she smiled softly up at him, her world, her person.