For Your Eyes Only [h.s.]

Ch. 4 - The Present

Harry Styles
January 1, 2022 12:00 am.

There she is. 

It's been 30 days too long that I've gone without her smile. Without the comfortable feeling of her arms, her embrace. I'm caught in her doorway, staring so intensely at her that I forget why we separated in the first place. I mean, of course; I can see the fight - hear the screaming match in my mind, but it's far in the distance of the deepest parts of my mind now. 

It's simply a memory that has already begun to fade and in its place is her, standing there in front of me. God I missed her. 

"Harry?" She questions my presence. 

When her voice shakes me from my focus, that's when I notice how frail she's become. The light in her eyes has grown dim and I instantly hate myself. The thing I love most about Adelaide is her spark. 

The spark she's always had, even in the hardest of times, facing every fan and pap who wanted to tear us apart, she remained strong. It was the thing that drew me to her on the day I met her, the reason I had to know her. There's a fire in her eyes, well, there was, that I've always found comfort in, and it's gone now. She didn't always see it herself, we worked for a long time to help her see it for herself, and I ruined that. 

It's my fault.

It's my fault that my sweater, which was always slightly oversized, is now a size or two even bigger on her. But she's wearing it, that's good right?

My fault that her eyes are riddled with tears where there once was a content glisten.

My fault that I'm no better than Noah, who I swore to protect her from at all costs. Who I swore to her I would never become. Just because you didn't hurt her physically Harry, doesn't mean you haven't become just like that piece of shit. 

My fault that we missed beginning another year together. 

My fault that she didn't wake up comfortable and safe in my arms today, and every day this last month.

My fault that the first thing she heard this morning was something other than "I love you more..."

My fault that I wasn't there when she needed me so much two weeks ago. I knew she would struggle, the anniversary, she already relives that night on occasion when the stress of the day results in a terrible nightmare throwing her back to when we first met. Back when Noah crossed that final line - the night I had to save her. Always the same dream that I've had to hold her extra tight to help her through the re-living of it. 

I missed it, and I'm a piece of shit for it. 

My fault. My sweet, sunflower. 

It's my fault. 

"Harry?! Are you ok?" She wakes me from my stupor. 

Suddenly I feel very stupid for being here in the first place. Who gave me the right to come here and do this to her? I left her. I abandoned her because I'm a coward who didn't know what to do for her, how to help her, so I chickened out.

"I'm sorry Addy. I. I don't know. I just, I'm going to go. I shouldn't have bothered you. I'm sorry- I lo... I'm just... sorry." Nice Harry you sound real smart. I tuck a strand of my too-long hair behind my ear, and make to leave.

As I turn to go that same sweet voice that I love so much answers, "No, Harry, it's fi... are you ok? You don't look so good." Of course I don't Adds, I've been nothing without you...

Just as I muster up the bravery to bare everything to her, Cleo decides to take center stage by dodging out of the apartment and down the hall. That fucking cat.