For Your Eyes Only [h.s.]

Ch. 26 - "your last first kiss"

Harry Styles
Just a moment ago

I'm terrified because I legitimately don't think I'm in my own body, I have no control over myself currently because I absolutely would not have grabbed her face the way I just did but I can't help it apparently. I hold her face between my hands and try to focus on my breathing.

I run my thumb over her mouth, attempting to really take in her lips in front of me. Really it's just to prevent myself from doing anything more, I just need to feel them. She sometimes does this thing when she bites at her bottom lip when she's upset or stressed and God it's always torture to see. I just want to kiss the spot every time she does it. 

I shake my head, trying to bring my mind up to speed with what I'm doing. I can't breathe, so I lean my forehead on hers, working to keep my lips off of hers the best I can. 

Fuck this isn't easy.

"Don't. Adelaide, I want you." I tell her, desperate for her to see what she's doing to me. I need her to understand.

"If you can't see what it is about you that I want, that I've grown to need, then I guess I need to stay patient because I need you to love yourself before I get to love you." 

And it's the truth. I can't love her if she doesn't love herself. She is going to need to be confident in me, and therefore herself, if we are going to make it with all the public scrutiny that comes with being tied me. 

But she still needs to know, I need to get through to her.

"Because I plan on doing exactly that Addy." I look at her, hoping that she really hears me this time. "I plan on falling completely, madly, and uncontrollably in love with you."

And then, unable to stop myself, I kiss her. 

Harry Styles
Right now

Our first kiss, while unplanned by either of us I think, was perfect.

Was, perfect. 

It's the hard slap across my face after that kind of ruined the moment. I guess I deserved that?

"What the hell Harry?! You think kissing me is going to what, distract me from the fact that I'm pissed at you?" 

She grabs my hands from her face and holds my wrists so they are hovering over her cheeks. We're both breathing heavy now, our chests practically crashing into one another trying to catch our breath.

Well I was hoping so Addy.

"No, of course not, I just, I couldn't help it." I try to explain, not really knowing what to say. I don't know why I kissed her, I knew I shouldn't I just literally couldn't help myself. Damn the things this girl does to me. 

"You couldn't help it?!" She scoffs back at me now ripping away from me completely. She starts to walk away so I grab her wrist and try to pull her back close to me. 

"Addy please, I just, I - God you're killing me! I couldn't help it, ok?" I let her go, "I just I wasn't thinking I'm sorry!" I pause before I awkwardly clarify, "I mean about the kiss - I am not sorry about the restraining order!" God now I'm starting to ramble. I must sound like an idiot. 

Apparently all confidence is lost when this girl is around me. 

She doesn't say anything, she turns and begins to pace the suite. I sit back down, head in hands, feeling badly that I've upset her at all. We remain quiet for a few minutes, at an impasse between us. 

"I don't know what to say Adelaide." I admit.

All the words in the world, every combination of phrases couldn't help me understand what to say next. I can write all the lyrics in the world, but can't find a single word when it matters most apparently.