Curhatan Maba LGBT

Frenship

19th Jan 21.

I have an online friend named Dziq. We met from a game and became good friends from hours of playing together. Recently he's been busy with real life and rarely plays with me again nowadays. I miss him a lot. He's that type of person that makes you wanna stick to them after knowing them for a while. 

And yk, talking about him, I'm insecure I'm not those kinds of friend like Ziq. Especially irl, I can't really make people stick to me because I was fun to be around or have upbeat personality. I can barely keep convos, not good at jokes, and I don't talk much. Mostly because of my anxiety, but yeah... I was really afraid people would leave me because I was boring, and shy, and not much of a worthy friend to keep. Because, just look at me, I don't speak much and wasn't that fun to talk to. 

Someone did assure me. Said I was kind and supportive because I often make touching arts about suicide prevention or mental health that helped people who reads it feel better. Which is not exactly true since I'm not really good at being verbally supportive to people. One time my friend had a breakdown over a phone and, my god let me tell ya, I'm not good at being a therapist and assures her down. Which, idk, kinda make that friend sees me in the wrong light (???) 

Sometimes I'm just afraid I wasn't good enough for them, and one day they'd left me or gradually feel disappointed in me. Honestly, that's a recurring feeling in many many of my relationship. I'm just afraid I'm not 'fun' enough, or if I might have a boring company, or I'm not a kind and supportive person like the others. 

I tried to be as friendly as possible. To be a kind person to others. And I do, I really do want to be kind because I don't want others to feel the same agony that I feel. Being alone. Being uncared for. Feeling helpless without anyone I can ask help to. I wanna be empathful cause I fucking know what it feels like receiving no empathy, nobody gives a fuck about you and having to keep everything alone. But idk, I feel like... maybe I'm just not the most supportive friend out there. Maybe I am uninteresting, shallow and god forbid, apathetic? I just really fear, that someday the friends I cared about grew to feel like I'm not a worthy enough friend to be kept in their life. And they eventually would abandon me.

Say... What makes you stick to me, friends?