Curhatan Maba LGBT

some vent, 29 aug (reupload)

I know this is supposed to be a diary about LGBTQ+ stuff, but yeah. I just needed to vent.

I don't even know why but I cried briefly again tonight, and it's not even past midnight yet.

Maybe it's because of that feeling of hopelessness. Maybe because I feel defeated from today and yesterday's failure of making progress of my behaviours. I just regressed back. I can't seem able to forgive myself now. Or maybe because I can't told anyone about my pain so it felt kinda chest-wrenching.

Maybe because I wanted help so bad from professionals, from whoever-the-fuck can help me get out of this state. Yeah, I think this it. I wanted to be helped so bad, and I couldn't get it, no, I always tried to survive all on my own. I didn't even tell my sadness to any of my friends because I simply afraid they'd not want to be my friend if they knew I'm a goddamn problematic person. I'm suffering, and I wanted to be helped.

It kinda makes matter worse by the fact that my problem is a... receh problem. You know, others have serious problem like struggling with family-finance, PTSD, broken home, losing someone important, or other big matter that justifies a downhill in life. Yet, here I am. Failing grades because of some privileged asshole's problem. Struggling with procrastination and god-knows-what my problem is right now. Demotivation? Laziness? Feeling unproductive? WHAT exactly my problem is right now? I think it's the lack of self-control. I just somewhat can't control myself to be a functional adult. This lack of integrity makes me feel like I don't have a worth as a human, that is.

The truth is, I've always suspect I have a certain mental illness. Everything actually became makes sense if it was the case. So maybe that's my underlying problem is? Or am I just being lazy? You can't call it mere laziness when you suffer terribly from the act of doing nothing. Or, can you? I'm not happy by doing nothing. If anything, it made me hate myself to death and it's BECAUSE I was letting my life ruined by not doing anything for a half year.

Ugh. I don't think I'm worthy as a human in a state like this. Always wallowing in negative vibe, uncapable of doing anything useful. Barely making a progress in bettering myself. Basically being a parasite.

Ah, god, I cried again.

29.08.2020