Curhatan Maba LGBT

Break up entry?

It's been a very long time since I updated here. But, we broke up. Last year, september 12th.

I don't even know what to write. I felt like I want to write words. I wanted to tell what I thought, what things I been considering, my journey in navigating the breakup. Since last year, I've made it to a better place where I'm finally whole again without her.... Kind of. But writing this page, I don't know lwhat to feel about everything.

Even right now, I still feel like she's a soulmate who slipped through my fingers. I still feel like I won't find someone I can love as great as her anymore. I can only wish that I'm gonna find someone better than her in the future, but I'm really afraid that I won't.

Do you guys believe in multiverse theory? The theory that there are parallel versions of the universe out there, where the course of fate is slightly different.

Well, this version of the universe where I lost her isn't the version of universe that I want. And it's one of the reason why I wanted to die back then. To live in a reality you really, really don't want is agonizing. Thankfully the suicidal feeling's mostly gone now. And I tried my best to learn to be okay again. I tried. I tried. I kept trying. And I do. I kept walking even until now, see?

I lost.... a big chunk of myself along with her. My favorite games, my favorite songs, I can't listen to them now because it was colored with her memories. It's impossible to listen to those songs or play those games again without remembering her.

Those things I love and have been a big part of me is something that I'm scared of, now. Grief can painfully rob you of who you are.

Try having someone telling you that they love you so much, but they aren't willing to fight & giving a chance for the relationship. They don't care if they lose you, yet against all logic, you see forever in them. It's tiring, and what makes it even more painful is that, I'm still here wanting to work things out, to prove I can earn back her trust, and giving us the second chance.

Oh boy. I tried to write this chapter but I ended up having a painful breakdown. That's all for today.

May 2023