𝓦𝓸𝔀, 𝓘'𝓶 𝓲𝓷 𝓛𝓸𝓿𝓮 ~ 𝓚𝓵𝓮𝓲𝓷𝓹𝓱𝔂 / 𝓒𝓸𝓷𝓶𝓪𝓷

. － Thirty Nine // Connor － . (Rem;)

Connor's P.O.V (Remade)

I'm stuck. Stuck thinking about this. This; all the unanswered questions that I still have to ask but just haven't felt as though I should. Now I feel like I should keep my mouth shut even more, seeing as I know his issues run so deep, he'd lie to me over them. I know what it is, he thinks I can't at all relate to him. That his problems are measly or some shit, but they are not. They aren't, I can tell they fucking aren't. And now I can't sleep thinking about his life, his real life, and what that's even about. Relationships should be based on trust, but I feel so untrustworthy. 

Maybe we shouldn't have started this out so quickly. 

Maybe it was a bad idea.

If he's not ready, and I'm pushing him, what if he just fucking leaves? Like Miguel? But I didn't push Miguel. I did everything I could to show him how much he was to me. And he left me there, lying in the dirt. Huge shocker. I hate thinking about my issues when there's someone else I should be thinking of first, but I feel so... conflicted. As if I can't tell if I should be here or not. Am I in the right place? Is this just a stupid teenage romance that burns bright for a moment, then out the next? I definitely hope not. I think he hopes so too. I steady my breathing again, which was getting silently more out of control as I was thinking about this. About everything. About him, the guy I've been with for only a few days but I more safe with than anyone else in my life. 

About me, and how I should start getting more of both of our shit in check. About M, who seemed to be just a life experience example of what not to do. He's the reason I tried to be less reckless. Less aggressive, less angry. He's the reason I am. Both of them are. 

I look down. He's definitely asleep this time, head tilting slightly to the left. One arm draped over me loosely. I lightly kick the blanket over the both of us away from myself, carefully pushing his arm off of my shoulder, and setting his head gently on the pillow. I'm sure by now he knows he's lying when he denies being the most adorable human being on Earth.

I get up, adjusting the blankets so that their back to their original place (Minus me), and hope I don't accidently kick something over while I walk toward the door. Which, luckily, I do not. I open the door, taking one last glance at him, then leaving, shutting it quietly. I try my best to tiptoe over to the room across the hall. The door is closed, but the lights are on, I can see the glowing pale-yellow light spread across the floor as I go to knock on it. The door, who I am assuming is his mother's, opens after two knocks. She seems a little frantic. Her hair is up in a messy bun on top of her head. "Uh, hi." I state, bringing my arm up to scratch the back of my neck. "Oh, Connor," She smiles at me. "Is he asleep in there? He stays up a little late sometimes, I just... I'm not really here a lot, and his stepdad's off on business all the time, and... y'know. I'm sure he's told you." I blink, letting a fake skeptic expression come on.

 I'm trying to gain information from her about this, so it needs to come off casual. Luckily, she's already led me on the path of finding the truth. "Oh- yeah, no, he's asleep. Was really tired, actually. Um, I wanted to just... talk?" Her eyes seem to relax from their more previously nervous state. They shut for a few seconds, then open up again. "Sure, of course, dear." I keep my cringe internal, in my house we don't really do pet names. Maybe nicknames, but Larry was never home to crack dad-jokes or help us out, and mom was just... well, she was trying. She was the nickname-giver, really. Sometimes she'd call us down with some weird, absolutely random name. Like I said, she was trying.

"I'll go get something going while we chat, okay? Do you like tea?" I nod, and she smiles again, leading me back down the stairs. I watch and sit down as she brings out a kettle, filling it up through the tap, then setting it sideways on the stove. "So," She breathes out, searching through what seems to be an entire tea-catalog. "What did you want to talk about?" She picks one out, then bolts her head up. "Damn.. I mean- darn. I, uh, what kind of tea did you want, Connor?" "Any is fine," I say, shrugging. My foot softly taps on the ground under the dining room table. There's a syrup stain on it from breakfast, but as I look at this table more, I can see many different stains. It seems to have been here for a real long time. 

Something I didn't notice before catches my eye, the creases in the letters carved onto the table slightly glowing from that big bulky kitchen light. I take a quick glance while she's busy. I see a very-aggressively-carved in name, next to another one, much smaller and much lighter, like the person who put it there was afraid they'd get in trouble. Afraid he'd get in trouble. I can visibly see that the smaller name undoubtably said "Evan", but in all lowercase, while the bigger one in all capital reads "Jared". I touch my hand to them. Much smoother than they look, like someone's been making sure that they don't attract splinters. Very considerate of him.

"Connor?" I blink, darting my head back toward her. Not as quick of a glance as I thought, I guess. "You wanted to talk? What about?" I open my mouth, thinking a mile-a-minute on what to say next. "Yeah, right, of course. Uh. His.." Breathe, Murphy. "Dad. What, uh.. he didn't.." She stares at me for a minute then down, noticing she's squeezing the mug she's holding for dear life, it seems. "He didn't already tell you?" I nod, shoving some loose hair behind my ear.

"No. I mean. Well, yeah no he.. didn't. He didn't tell me anything true." She sighs, letting the cup go and sitting down across from me, setting her arms down on the names scrawled into the table. "He said he'd stop doing that. Lying. I just.. I guess it's his way of coping." I hear something drop, and look into the kitchen. "It was probably just some spoons, or something." She states, calmly. I knit my hands together, trying not to act as awkward as I feel. "You want to know what happened to him, right?" I look more up and toward her eyes. The man's in the photos were very clearly blue, but hers are a dark brown hue.

"He.." I inhale as silently as possible, holding that breath in. "He's no longer with us."

My breath releases. All of my air is gone. I feel empty the moment I hear those words; I can physically feel the weight just dropped onto me. And I asked for it. I hear something nearby, keys jingling, footsteps. I bolt up, power walking to the entrance to the kitchen. Sure enough, he's there, dressed, opening the door. He's got his backpack on. Fuck. "Hey, hey-" I reach my arm out toward him, but he flinches away. "Oh, uh, hey... dude?" I can see the panic on his face. "What are you..." He shoves the keys in his pocket. "Perfect night for a drive." He responds, way too fast. "Please don't leave, I.." He breathes in, opening the door. "I don't-"

He pauses, stepping back. "I don't want your fucking sympathy." And with that, he shuts the door. He locked it from the inside, it takes me longer than it should to open it and run out. I see the car pull away from the driveway. I'm too fucking late.

Word Count : 1484

Time : 9:25 a.m., meaning i can write another chapter HEHEEHE LETS GOO ANGSTANGSTANGST

Inspo : doin well asf! ive been waiting to introduce this part of the plot to the book, not gonna spoil anything so just know that i can not fucking WAIT to do the next chapter EEEE

P.O.V for the next chapter : my guy my boy the lil scrunkly the scrimblo (Jared)

ILYYY!!! : readxr_uwu for keepin me motivated!!! ily!!! but do ur schoolwork lil scrunkly!! >:0 and arizonaiceteass for asking me to make this back last yearr!!! and being my bestie noww!!! omg you are my seretonin thnx ily sm/p