I keep glancing his way.
Is he really not mad at me?
All he said was he's sure I'd a good reason to not tell him.
And that was it.
"Something bothering you?" Hayden asks from across the living room, working on his laptop.
"You're really not upset?"
"Sounds like you're disappointed," Hayden says.
"No. I'm not. It's just..." I don't know what to say. I glance back at him. Doesn't he want to know how?
His eyes don't waver off the screen. "What now?" he says.
I get up and go upstairs.
Five minutes later Hayden is in my room, leaning against the doorframe, a smirk playing on his face. "If you want to tell me how we can have sex without you hurting, I can listen."
I turn away from him on the bed, "Why would I want to tell you that?"
His footsteps approach, and soon, I find my existence caged between the wall I'm looking at and my Alka's body pressed against me, from my shoulder bones to the pads of my toes.
His lips move on top of my ear. "You want to tell me now?"
"Not yet." I hold his hand draped over me and bring it closer to my chest.
He pulls me in. "I'm really not mad at you," he says and kisses my cheek.
I turn over. "There's something else..."
"What?"
"I got into Leraster."
I expected he would ask me not to move away that far again, but he is silent, before he leans in and kisses my lips.
My fingers hook into his biceps, and my legs open up, as I subliminally crave more of him, wanting more of this gripping, tormenting pleasure that I never get to see through.
Not long after, I hear the headboard crack. Hayden pulls back. I somehow manage to stop myself from saying, "Don't stop."
Tips of his fangs sink into his lower lip.
I pull his shirt to bring him down, close to me again.
He doesn't move. His breathy voice comes out. "How?"
Subconsciously, I glance at the dresser's top drawer before meeting Hayden's eyes again. "There's a potion," I say, barely hearing myself. "When someone takes it, they become immune to their soulmate's gifts. If you take it, I can't use spells on you. Same way, if I take it, your strength won't hurt me."
"Why don't you want to take it?"
I bite my lip. "If I take it... I'll end up ascending sooner than I want to. And my..."
"Your?"
Just as every time before, my throat closes up and my chest resists to breathe, as memories of my father resurface. Tears build up beneath my eyes.
Hayden kisses me. I hold him tighter. This warmth, one that's become the center of my world, I'm scared someone will take it away from me.
When his lips press down on my neck and his coarse fingers move up under my top, a moan slips out of me.
He growls, making me shiver and want him to take away whatever little space left between us.
"Take it," he says.
"I can't."
"Riva," he says, "You have nothing to be scared of. I'll protect you and everyone you love, from the whole world if I have to, including Roman."
I gasp, quickly slide up from under him to sit, and push him away. Did he just say my father's name?
He grabs my arm and pulls me over to his lap. "You don't know how much I want you. In ways you can't imagine," he says and bites the top of my breast. I buckle and grab his arms, letting another moan slip out. He continues, his lips rubbing on me, "I'll do whatever it takes to make you feel safe enough to accept my mark." His hand moves up my thigh. "You just be ready. Once it starts, I won't leave you alone, even for a single night."
Then in a second, he leaves me limp and panting over the bedsheet we unmade twisting over it, to return to his work downstairs like it's business as usual.
What did he just say?
As much as I want him to explain, I need to catch my breath first. I let my body settle back down on the mattress, left warmed by his heat.
While the craving dwindles, sadness starts to take its place.
Hayden will challenge my father.
I know that for sure now.
Which means, irrespective of the outcome, the life I've known so far, no matter how stressful it was at times, is no longer.
I suddenly feel like a kid stepping into an adult's shoes. Am I ready to bear witness to the confrontation between Hayden and my father? Can I protect those I love in the midst of all this?
I need to see my mother first.
After staring at the white ceiling until my eyes hurt, I move my legs, then my waist, chest, and head, and stand up.
Let's get this over with.
I go down and see Hayden behind his laptop again. This time, however, he pauses typing and looks up to meet my eyes. He leans back on his chair, looking ready to have the talk.
"How long?" I ask.
"Since a week after we returned from Jahov."
"Why didn't you tell me?"
"I didn't want to pressure you. I wanted you to open up to me in your own time. I was willing to wait. But..." he sighs. "It's getting harder each day to stay the chivalrous man I promised I'll be."
"Did you..."
"He doesn't know," Hayden says, "Yet."
I swallow. "What are you going to do?"
He comes over, with the gait of a man who knows exactly what he needs to do. His one hand gently embraces me and the other one buries into my hair. "Don't worry about that. What's important now is you and your family's safety. I can come with you and talk to your mother."
"No. She needs to hear this from me. I need to tell her everything." I hug Hayden. "But I'm scared. My father, he will—" I start crying.
His hands tighten around me. "I told you, you don't have to worry about him anymore. You're free from him. All I care about is if I have a place in your freedom."
I pull away to look at his beautiful face, and softly touch his cheek. "You are my freedom, Hayden."
