Fraudulence of Bliss (STATION Series #5)

Kabanata 7

Kabanata 7

Pagtatago

"Wala pa rin Mommy mo?" bungad sa 'kin ni Tita Janet, ang nanay ni Kamila, nang mag-sleepover ako sa kanila. It was a Christmas break that's why I was able to sleep here. Mabuti nalang at pumayag din si Papa.

"Busy pa po sa documentary nila," was my usual excuse. I paired it up with a convincing small smile.

Tita Janet's eyes were on me as if she was searching for the lie in the truth that I fabricated. But what I said was the truth. Well, a part of it. Abala naman talaga si Mama sa documentary niya.

I was a regular in their house, so when she gave me a smile, my heart swelled. It brought comfort in my disturbed mind, and, after months of lacking, I felt the motherly love.

If she saw how pain crossed my eyes was none of my concern. What mattered the most is I was able to feel it, even for a fraction of time.

"Sige, kapag may kailangan kayo sabihin niyo lang, ha?" hindi nawala ang ngiti niya nang sinabi 'yon.

I nodded and gave another smile as if to convince her that I was okay and that everything was in control. It was—or maybe it was a lie that I led myself to believe. But it was helpful, it put me into place.

"Uy, and'yan na pala 'yung stuffed toy na hinihiram mo last time. Binigyan kita ng bago!" Kamila exclaimed as we went upstairs.

Kinunotan ko siya ng noo nang makarating sa loob ng kwarto niya. Dalawa na ang dilaw na duck sa kama niya.

Inabot niya sa 'kin ang isa. "'Di pa 'yan nalalabhan, kabibili lang kasi."

"Bakit mo 'ko binilhan?" naguguluhan kong tanong, tinatagpo ang tingin niya.

I saw how concern was in her eyes, on how there was something she wanted to ask me but refrained herself to do so. She wrestled whether she'd be an able or a blind in a situation she was unsure of her role. But it was in my position to act blind and defiant, a way to make myself sane.

"Para hindi lang ako 'yung may malambot na stuffed toy, 'no!" was her answer. Niyakap niya nang mahigpit ang stuffed toy bago humiga sa kama.

I squeezed the orange lips of the duck instead.

I took it as her defense, a way to hide her concern to me because she knew that I'd be blind about it. I don't need it, I'd lead themselves to believe. It was a way to divert them from knowing me, and not knowing me at the same time.

Such a hypocrite, filling them with lies.

Pero unti-unti na akong nasanay ro'n.

Because a year into my mother's disappearance, I became used to lying. Kung ano-ano na ang palusot na sinasabi ko para lang itago ang dapat itago. Mas mabuti nang gano'n kaysa masaktan sa katotohanan.

There was no truth to this... not yet.

The investigation had little to no progress. Their guess: someone was interfering with it. Ang istasyon na pinagtatrabahuhan naman ni Mama ang nagpresenta na isagawa ang kaso. Ngunit kahit sila na ang humahawak, hirap pa ring umusad.

Kaya sa mga nagdaang araw, wala kaming ibang nagawa kun'di magkaroon ng pag-asa—maliit man o malaki—habang hinahanap ang dulo nito. Nakababaliw, pero mas mabuti nang kumapit hangga't meron pa.

At kung wala na?

Then, I'd try to accept that hope, no matter how infinite and powerful it seemed, would end.

Because everything would always have an end, whether they'd be permanent or temporary, a passing fancy or a glimpse of an eye—its existence would always be voided. The fragments that they'd have was the memories of the souls that retained it.