Fraudulence of Bliss (STATION Series #5)

Kabanata 8

Kabanata 8

Heartbreak

Another year had passed by and there was still no news regarding my mother's disappearance. Kung dati ay nakakayanan ko pa ang kaonting bigat na nasa balikat at dibdib, ngayon ay hindi ko na alam kung saan ko ipapatong.

Wala nang bakante.

Puno na ang lahat.

Unti-unti nang naubos ang lahat.

Unti-unti nang napagod ang lahat.

In the past two years, I had seen how my father went from being motivated by hope to struggling to find any. I knew how hard he tried to help with the investigation, but he just couldn't.

May humaharang talaga kahit na sa imbestigasyon na ginagawa ng istasyon. Wala rin naman silang magagawa dahil hindi sila gano'n kalakihan. Isama pa na sinuswelduhan pa rin nila kami kahit wala si Mama. My mother was an "asset" of the company, they said.

The investigation was supposed to be called off, but my father insisted not to. Umaasa siyang buhay pa rin si Mama, na baka bukas, makalawa, nandito na ulit siya. Ngunit ilang araw, buwan, taon na ang nakalipas ngunit hindi pa rin siya dumadating.

Kumakapit pa rin si Papa kahit na... napakasakit na.

I saw how my little sister went from being the jolliest person I knew to being quiet. I couldn't see the brightness in her eyes anymore, and it pained me a lot. Umaakto nalang akong hindi ako apektado sa nangyayari kahit na durog na durog na ako sa loob.

They don't need another wreck, I conditioned myself to believe.

Ako lang ang may kapabilidad na umaktong pundasyon. Mag-da-dalawang taon ko na ring nagagawa, at alam kong ito rin ang gagawin ni Mama kung kinakailangan.

As the day passed by, no matter how I hated it, I grew detached from the family. Our souls used to be filled with a bright light of hope, but we were now empty vessels. We take in whatever makes us live until we'd collapse because of numbness.

Isang gabi ay narinig ko ang pag-aaway ni Rayleigh at ni Papa. Rayleigh's argument was, why won't my father allow this to be publicized? Two years had passed, and there was still no progress. We could go to a famous reporter and ask this to be televised in their detective program.

Ayaw ni Papa.

"Reporters sila hindi imbestigador, anak." My father tried to deliver it in a calm tone, but I could feel how broken he was.

"E iyon nga ang pangalan ng program nila, eh!" Ramdam ko ang prustrasyon sa boses ni Rayleigh. Humahapdi naman ang dibdib ko habang nakikinig sa kanila mula sa taas.

"Hindi natin kailangang i-publicize ang lahat. Isa pa, b-baka buhay pa ang Mama mo. Baka mapahamak siya kapag—"

"Sigurado ka po bang buhay pa si Mama?" Nabasag na ang boses ni Rayleigh. Katahimikan ang sumunod sa ingay, pagkatapos ay ang pag-akyat ni Rayleigh, ibinabalibag ang pinto pasara. Narinig ko pa ang paghikbi ni Papa.

I slowly closed the door of my room and slid down the wall because of my heavy heart. Nang sinapo ko ang mukha, hindi ko alam kung magpapasalamat ako at medyo malayo ang kwarto niya mula sa 'kin.

Hindi niya makikita ang mukha kong puno ng luha.

For the nth time this week, I cried myself to tears.

Nakapapagod na.

The next day, weekend, I went to visit the archery zone that my uncle owned. Sinubukan kong umalis muna sa bahay upang makawala mula sa bigat na nararamdaman. Nagkamali ako na bahay ang nagdulot sa 'kin na makaramdam no'n.