Fraudulence of Bliss (STATION Series #5)

Kabanata 26

Kabanata 26

Sabi

I got off work the next day. Nagpaalam din ako kay Ma'am Greta na baka maging abala ako nang isang linggo dahil sa tinatrabahong documentary project. Nabigyan na ako ng go-signal dahil tapos na ako sa mga naka-assign sa 'kin.

Wala pa akong pinal na ideya tungkol sa magiging documentary, pero pinaplano ko na magsimula sa mga nawawalang tao. Whether I considered Yuan's suggestion or not, I knew that my mother's case influenced my final decision making.

The thought of successfully completing the case of missing persons should redeem me. Hindi ako papayag na hindi. Dahil kung papalpak ako, hindi ko alam kung paano ko maililigtas ang sarili ko.

And if I really fail?

I sighed and pushed myself to research more.

I need to focus first. I need to draft everything from start to bottom before I look for my problems. Mamomroblema na ba agad ako kung wala pa akong nasisimulan?

Naghanap ako ng mga topic na pwedeng gawin sa mga documentary projects. Ang pinaka-una ko dapat na ipakita ay iyong malakas ang dating sa masa. I need to get the ratings up then gain the momentum as I go.

I felt pressured with the thought, but I knew that I was not forced to take this project. Kailangan ko pa ring i-enjoy ang trabaho para hindi ako ma-burnout.

Midway through my research, I found topics which I found interesting. It's a compilation of cold cases and those who are already found. Tinitimpla ko pa kung ano ba dapat ang komposisyon ng documentary ko na magiging patok sa manonood pati na rin sa kagustuhan ko.

But the information that I had compiled are not enough.

Hindi maka-masa, the producers would say.

I felt bitter; I stopped what I was doing. Nakaramdam ako ng negatibong emosyon, partikular sa bagay na—kailan bang maging intersante ang buhay ng isang tao bago tumulong sa pag-iimbestiga?

I laid on my bed and stared at the ceiling.

My morals were questioned, but I couldn't do anything about it. It was the usual in my job. Ang kailangan ko lang gawin ay ibaon ang nararamdaman, bagay na nakasayanan.

But of course, it would always remind me how hard it was to deal with the truth, especially if it involved my emotions and my morals. It made me feel bitter because I had to choose "what sustains the masses the most".

Though there were instances where it fit both ends, it didn't alleviate what I feel.

Baka may mas mahalagang balita pa rito, I would think.

At the end of the day—whether I was the only one who's facing these struggles or not—I had to make a living. It's the only way I could survive.

The next day, I decided to have a change of place.

Hindi ako sanay na sa iisang lugar lang pumunta dahil hindi ako kuntento sa "variation" no'n. Kaya lumabas ako ng bahay at nagpunta sa mall para magtingin ng mga libro. Titingnan ko kung paano nila binubuo ang mga salita para mas kumbinsido ang pag-na-narrate.

I checked the newspaper in the stall. Ilang dyaryo ang nando'n mula sa iba't ibang news station. May ilan ding lipas na. Wala naman akong nakitang maayos na detalye kaya lumipat ako sa mga libro.

I wasn't upon for buying thick books. Kailangan ko iyong madaling basahin, iyong straight to the point, at may makukuha agad ako na laman. Nga lang, napakahabang analysis ang nasa loob ng libro.