The Accidental Donor

Extra (Greg)

I laughed as I watched my son experiment with rolling over. He was still getting the hang of it.

Some days he could roll over fine and other days he would get stuck and was confused on what to do.

I knew that he knew how to roll over it's just he was more confident in abilities some days and other days he was very hesitant.

Jake gained 2 entire pounds and he out grew some of his clothes. I cried so much and Derek had to hug me to get me to calm down.

I know that things like this will always be hard for me because our growing clothes was something Adam never got to do. So seeing Jake do just that is amazing and bittersweet at the same time.

I winced when I felt a pain in my chest. Another bitter sweet moment.

Andy was more than happy to donate some breast milk to us so that Jake can have some but then in private Derek brought up actually breastfeeding Jake.

I was confused because I knew he couldn't do that since he wasn't a carrier and he clarified that he meant I should do it.

I will admit I was taken aback. I have only event breast fed Adam. I was a child back then so it's been over 2 decades since I've done that.

Derek had apologized to me of it was too forward but he explained that if I wanted to, I should. He said he noticed how sad i was when ever I mentioned Jake getting milk from someone else.

He wasn't wrong. The idea of my baby getting his nutrients from someone else made me feel less than. It was an irrational feeling because plenty of babies thrive from donated milk.

After I got over some personal fears, I decided that I would breast feed Jake. The hormones would take about a week to kick in and then I'll be able to feed my baby.

I spent hours reading blogs and some of them were from adoptive parents breastfeeding to help bond with their babies and help their babies recognized them as their mom or dad.

Technically my milk came in yesterday but I was too overwhelmed to feed Jake. My mind went back to the last time I breastfed. It had been the night my son died.

I cried in Derek's arms and he helped me by telling me that Jake was healthy, that Jake would be okay, that i didn't have to breast feed if I didn't want to and that it had nothing to do with Adam and how he passed away. He even said that if this was too emotional for me that I shouldn't feel pressured to do this.

But I knew in my heart I wanted to. Formula made Jake get stomach pains. And yes we could continue to use donated milk, but I want my baby to have milk that came from me.

I looked at the clock and I knew it was around the time Jake would want to eat. He was already starting to get fussy.

I picked up my now angry and hungry baby. I laughed a little at his expression. The poor thing was clearly pissed off.

I walked over to the sofa and I put my feet on the coffee table to get in a better position. I took a sofa pillow and put it under my left elbow to help support my arm.

Jake was now full on complaining and tears ran down his perfect little cheeks.

I moved just enough to to lift my shirt and I balanced out my breathing and reminded myself that I could do this. I told myself that Jake's health was worth it. I reminded myself that Jake would wake up from his nap after feeding.

A few tears did escape my eyes because this was something emotional for me.

"No baby, don't do that" I said gently as I moved Jake's hands from his hair. Sometimes when he was upset he would pull at his own hair and then cry more because it hurt when he pulled his hair.

Once his fingers were free I gave his cubby little hand a kiss and I maneuvered his face to meet my nipple.

He was still so angry so I had no choice but to gently squeeze at his cheeks to make his mouth open and I leaned over so that my nipple could reach his lips.

As soon as a stray drop of milk touched his tongue, Jake instinctively latched on.

He was a bit confused but then realized that I now had milk. Our eyes met and he started to suckle. He used his other hand to knead at my chest so that the flow of milk would be a bit faster and every so often he would look up at me and smile.

I smiled back as tears fled my eyes. I was so happy that Jake was accepting me but also so sad because the last time I did this, my beautiful baby has passed away.

But I kept reminding myself that that wouldn't happen again. Jake would be okay. Jake had a full work up done and there was nothing wrong with his heart or anything else for that matter other than his adverse reaction to formula.

But doing this for him will help his stomach pains. He'll be able to grow more and his immune system will boost.

Jake was so happy to be drinking milk. He kicked his little feet and kept on smiling up at me. This caused milk to drip down his chin but thankfully I grabbed a cloth and wiped at the milk that escaped his mouth.

After 20 minutes Jake unlatched it still seemed hungry, so I moved him to my other nipple. After feeding for another 10 minutes Jake's eyes started to droop. He was getting tired and I nearly freaked out.

What if he went to bed and stopped breathing? What if he puked up the milk and chocked?

I got up from the sofa and grabbed the baby wrap. I had to much anxiety to let Jake sleep in his bed. Once I got the baby wrap I sat back down and strapped Jake to my chest.

While in the wrap he would be on my chest and I could feel his breath. He would also be upright so the changes of asphyxiation would greatly decrease.

Once I was convinced he was okay, I went to my office and sat at my desk. I went through a few emails.

I also booked another appointment with my therapist. I hate that I have all this fear when it comes to my son. I don't want my trauma to stop him from getting a normal childhood, but I also can't help it.

I know people will probably judge me, but they didn't have to live through their baby dying.

Even though today was difficult for me, I am so happy that I was able to push through some of my fears.

Today I accomplished something amazing.

Today I fed my baby.