Countryhumans Oneshots

The River

Delaware and New Jersey's border disputes. Requested by SmashingAsh98

"I can't believe you, NJ! After all of your fucking complaining about how York steals land from you and the whole fucking fight over the reclaimed land in Ellis Island, you decide to steal land from me in the same way!" Delaware yelled at his brother, who looked to be a mixture of confused and nervous.

"How do you even know the specifics of me and York's fights?" He asked, most likely trying to avoid the question.

"One, don't avoid the question. Two, you and York are free entertainment for the rest of us," Delaware said. New Jersey looked annoyed but didn't protest.

"Our border is in the middle of the river, except for the Twelve Mile Circle, where our border is at the shoreline. I'm not stealing land. Your territory is just water. I am, however, gaining more land for myself because I need it. You don't need that little bit of water. Learn to share with your siblings," New Jersey said.

"Oh fuck you, NJ. It doesn't matter whether or not I need it. What matters is that you are ignoring my borders! After all your bitching about Yorkie, I figured I would never have to worry about that from you, but seriously? What the hell, man? All of my neighbors have tried to steal land from me." Delaware said, throwing up his arms in exasperation.

"Well, unlike Penny and Mary, I'm not trying to annex you, so at least that's something." New Jersey said. Delaware crossed his arms and turned to leave.

"I'm getting Dad!" He yelled as he began to walk out of the room

"You're gonna fucking tattle? What are you, five?" Delaware heard New Jersey snark from behind him.

"You rather me break your nose?" Delaware snapped, whirling around. New Jersey's eyes widened, and he held his hands, shaking his head.

"Dad, it is then." He said.

—————

"It's the 21st century. I thought we'd be over having border conflicts by now." Their father said with a sigh.

"At least our first response was to take it to court, and now we fight each other over it. No one has pulled out weapons!" Delaware chimed in, hoping to lower his dad's annoyance and make him more willing to support Delaware.

"Not yet, at least. But I'm at least going to get ready for a fight." New Jersey added. Their father sighed deeply, once that seemed very resigned.

"Thank you, NJ. That's going to do wonders for resolving this situation peacefully," he said, his voice heavy with sarcasm.

"Yeah, I know it really will," New Jersey said cheerily, either oblivious to their father's sarcasm or just ignoring it. It was probably the second one, although New Jersey would deny it. Their father sighed and put a hand on his forehead.

"Please just take it to court and leave me out of it." He said.

"You aren't going to be able to stay out of it because one of us is inevitably going to do something really stupid that's going to force you to get involved. And just know—New Jersey started it and is going to start the fighting most likely, so I'm innocent, and you should side with me!" Delaware said, saying the last part quickly. New Jersey's head shot up, and he glared at Delaware. His ears flattening against his head, he bared his teeth.

Their father just looked annoyed again.

"New Jersey, please don't attack your brother in any way. Just take this to court, and both of you show up," he said before walking out.

"Yeah, Delly, make sure you show up in court." New Jersey said. Delaware snorted.

"Please. You're the one acting like New York did. If anything, you're going to neglect to show up to court," he said. New Jersey took a step forward, hooves clicking against the ground.

"Don't compare me to the egotistical chicken!" he said, and Delaware looked at him offended.

"Hey, now, that's an insult to chickens," Delaware said. New Jersey paused and nodded.

"Okay, yeah, fair enough. I'm sorry, chickens. But fuck you, Delaware, you aren't going to steal that land that I legally reclaimed." New Jersey said. Red-hot anger ran through Delaware's body at that.

"YOU RECLAIMED IT IN MY RIVER!" Delaware yelled at him.

"We share it!" New Jersey said with an eye roll.

"MY SECTION THOUGH!" Delaware continued.

"Actually you own up to the shoreline. I just helped it grow a little." New Jersey said with a smug grin.

"I'm going to destroy you in court." Delaware hissed out with a glare as he flicked his tail before turning away.

"You can try!" New Jersey called from behind Delaware, making him wish he was allowed to punch New Jersey's stupid face.

It would be good therapy.