If You Were Mine

XXVI. I thought you loved me

You're sitting on the floor of your room with your back against the door, tears are running on your red and scorching hot cheeks.

The black dress of last night's party is still lying on your messy bed and the room looks like a disaster, just as if it was depicting what was going on with your heart.

You and Shawn have been together for 2 years now and you have never found anything wrong between you two, his smile when he meets you, his gentle kisses, his hugs and the pain in his voice when you're apart...everything was so real
But what happened last night was also real...

You could have never thought that this day will come to your life...

You and Shawn went to a party at your friend's place and then got separated as you wanted to spend some "girls only" time with your besties.

You were enjoying everything when all of a sudden an unknown person pulled your arm and brought you upstairs

X: Y/N you need to come with me

Y/N: What? Where? And who are you?

X: Just come with me

Her grip was so strong that you couldn't get rid of it even after a lot of tries

She suddenly stopped in front of a door and invited you to open it and go inside

Y/N: BUT WHY WOULD I?! I HAVE NO IDEA WHO YOU ARE AND WHAT'S GOING ON WHY WOULD I DO WHAT YOU'RE TELLING ME TO?

Without saying a word she pushed the door and then you into the room and what you saw there made your entire world collapse

Shawn was in bed, with a girl...

As soon as she saw you coming she covered herself with the bedsheets.
After a while Shawn started moving as well, he turned his head and looked at you with blurry eyes

S: Hey baby!

As if he wasn't in bed with another girl, as if nothing happened, as if you were in your room and got out of the shower when he just woke up

You slammed the door behind you and walked out of that place full of people with you heart full of pain and your eyes full of tears

You hear someone knocking the door

S: Baby please open the door please I'm begging you
I swear I didn't do anything on purpose, I had no idea how I got into the be-

He couldn't finish the sentence...he sounded to feel some kind of pain while saying that

S: Please try to understand baby, I have loved and love only you and will be loving you till my last breath. Honey pls open the door...

Y/N: I- I don't know what to think, what to believe and how to take this... Please leave me alone Shawn, I need some time for myself...

You hear something crawling on the floor on the other side of the door; Shawn has sat down with his shoulder against the door

S: I'll be here and wait untill you feel like talking Y/N, I won't move until we fix this, I can't loose you.

"You wouldn't have spend the night with another girl if you couldn't loose me"

You think, but you don't say anything...
What could you say? He could be right, he was drunk and had no idea what he was doing, but what if he was fully conscious and did it all on purpose believing that you'll never get to know?!

You grab you head in your hands and press on it very tightly, too much was running through your head at the point that it started pumping madly
You stayed there for...maybe some hours even? Yeah, the sun was about to set when you heard Shawn whispering from the other side of the door

S: I still love you...I'll never stop, no metter what. I know what I've done is unforgettable und unforgivable, but I would've never even think about it if I was in me...
I-...take your time Y/N, I won't force you to stay if you don't want to, but just know that I'll never love anyone else if it's not you...

He stood up, and left

You started feeling dizzy after yet another shot.

Your mind was begging you to stop but you knew that nothing could've given peace to the thunder going on inside you if it was not alcohol, so you kept on having more and more

Sleep had left your eyes the very moment you heard Shawn leaving, you knew he was heartbroken, but so were you, how could you heal someone else's heart when yours was shattered worse?

Life had brought you to a certain point, where nothing mattered to you anymore.

You loved Shawn, and a little voice inside you knew that he could've never done such a thing, but how could you just ignore what you saw with your own eyes?

Your vision was getting blurry when suddenly you felt nausea invading your chest and although having no idea how, you found yourself in the bathroom of the bar throwing up what little you had in your stomach, since it had been two days that you hadn't touched food

You rinsed your face and as soon as your skin came in contact with the cold water, you began to return to reality.
You were about to leave but two female voices from inside caught your attention:

X: That bitc* literally came at my place and was about to punch me in the face for that nonsense girl-

XX: I bet Y/N left him, now we have clear path to finally hit on THE Shawn Mendes!

X: Nah, I'm afraid we don't have any chance with him...he might be the popular boy but you can clearly see how much he loves that girl, he would never let anyone take her place

XX: Whatever, it was still fun to stage the "fake betrayal" at the party, did you even see Y/N's face? She literally collapsed ahaha

X: Not to mention how amazing it was to pretend to have spent the night with Mendes, I wish it was true tho-

You started feeling dizzy again, it wasn't the alcohol this time- Guilt took over you and shattered your heart once again, maybe even harder this time, if that was possible-

Without even bothering to have a look at the faces whom the two voices belonged, you left the toilet, walking up straight out of the bar.

You took out the phone from your pocket and started scrolling until you found Shawn's contract.

Y/N: Shawn I'm at Collin's bar, can you pick me up?

S: WH- Y/N ARE YOU OKAY? YEAH I'LL BE THERE IN 5 MINS

You hung up

After some minutes, that felt like an eternity, a black car stopped in front of you and Shawn jumped out of it running towards you with worry-filled eyes and a trembling voice

S: OH MY GOD what have you done to yourself! What did I even do to deserve to be seeing you like this- f*ck my life!

Y/N: I'm sorry Shawn, I- I got to know the truth and I'm feeling like shit right now cause I know I hurt you the most when I asked you to leave...believe me that was nothing I was willing for you to do I just could never ask you to leave...
I don't even deserve you, I don't deserve all the love you have for me, I'm literally the worst girlfr-

You couldn't finish. Everything blacked out and darkness took over you.

Your senseless body fell onto him and
Shawn started panicking...

He pulled you into his chest and wrapped his arms around you body so tight that you'd have felt pain if you were awake, while tears started rolling down his pale cheeks

S: No you're not honey, you're the blessing I thank God everyday to have received. I know what you did was not what you meant, I just wish all this never happened and we'd be cuddling in our bed now instead of being here...

He then gently lifted up your tiny body, placed it at the backseat of the car and drove up to the hospital.