Failure.
That's how I describe my relationship with him . I can't say I've aleady move on because the nigthmares he gave to me is still in me . Its stock on me . Its scared me , fear me and hunting me . Like I was no where to go . I was trapped in my past . Yet I already escape from him , but I can't escape from the nigthmares he gave me .
Our marriage was so disgusting and full of hatred . He don't love , he hated me the most . And I blame him for making my life miserable until now . For making me scared to love and trust again . I felt so toxic when it comes to him . I felt so devastated because of him , he was supposed the man I love the most , the man who will take care of me but his not , his the opposite of it . Infact of loving me back he gave me nigthmares , bruises and scars .
Tatlong taon , pero andito pa din 'yung sakit at takot 'ko sa kanya . 'Yung trauma 'ko sa tuwing binabangungot ako . I always waking up , panting and sweating because of him . Pakiramdam 'ko tumatakbo ako palayo sa kanya , sa bangungot ng nakaraan 'ko kahit hindi ako sigurado 'kung totoo nga ba na nakakalayo na ako sa kanya o imahinasyon 'ko lang lahat . That I'm stuck with him , endlessly .
"What are you scaring of ? His not here , his not with you , Kyrie ", sabi 'ko sa sarili 'ko habang hawak ang baso ng tubig at pilit na pinapakalma ang sarili 'ko .
It happened again . This past fews days , lagi na akong binabangungot . Sunod sunod at detalyado bawat pangyayari , that made so sick of it .
"Kalma , his not here . Hindi ka na nya masasaktan. He can't touch you anymore . Ano ba Kyrie ! How long will you stay like this ? How long you will make yourself stay in your nigthmares !? ", inis na sabi 'ko sa sarili 'ko habang nanginginig pa din ang kamay 'ko at unti-unting tumutulo ang mga luha 'ko ."Why can't you escape from this ? ".
Gusto 'kong sumbatan ang sarili 'ko sa pagiging mahina 'ko . I was there , letting him to hit me and hurt me , like I was afraid if he left me . I was too dumb when it comes to love , because I gave my heart to the man who didn't know how to Love .
"How long will you stay like this ? ", I told myself with so much doughts . Nilaro 'ko pa saglit ang baso ng alak bago ibinaling ang tingin 'ko sa glass wall , the different ligths from the different buildings are reflecting into inside my unit . They are very vivid to me ."Hindi 'ko alam 'kung bakit kailangan mo akong saktan ng ganoon . Isa lang naman ang gusto 'ko , mahalin mo din ako . 'Yun lang ang gusto 'ko , pero ? Paano mo nagawang saktan ako ng ganoon . Paano mo ako nagawang sirain ng ganito ? ".
Kinagat 'ko ang ibabang labi 'ko , habang tumutulo ang mga luha 'ko at mahigpit ang kapit sa baso . Hanggang ngayon tinatanong 'ko pa din ang sarili 'ko , why ? Why we ended up like this ?
I took a deep breathe when suddenly I felt my relieved . Gusto 'ko sanang magpahinga pero para akong binabangungot sa tuwing ipipikit 'ko ang mga mata 'ko at imahe nya ang tanging nakikita 'ko. Kinabukasan , puyat akong bumangon sa kama 'ko dahil maaga ang fligth 'ko ngayon at first day din ni Keib sa school , so I was literary obliged to manage my time well para hindi ako malate sa mga early fligths 'ko .
"Mommy , I'm hungery ", my three years old son pouted at me . Kakagising lang nya at medyo magulo pa ang kulay brown at kulot nyang buhok .
"Goodmorning ", I greeted him before kissing his cheek and his forehead. Dala-dala nya pa ang tablet nya habang nakasuot pa din ng pajama at inaantok pa ."How's your sleep , baby ? ".
"It's good Mommy , I saw Daddy in my dream , his hugging me tigthly and playing with me ", natigilan ako bigla ng marinig ang sinabi nga anak 'ko .
"What ? ", did I heard it rigth ? Napanaginipan nya si Geib ? Paano ?
