Finding Melody

42: Hatred Pt.1

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For a couple of weeks, my world stopped turning, I was sent to therapy lots of it. And I lied, like it was the truth. That day I had spent crying buckets to Natalie, I told her he wasn't hurting me. He hadn't hurt me, except that day, that day when the glass shattered over my head, but I told her about what he had said. And she was disgusted about herself, she swore she would never let me out of her sight again. I didn't need to tell her about him kissing me, about anything more disgusting than he already was in her eyes.

But after that day, everything turned off, I shut off. I imagined Zeke with his restraining order now gold plated delivered to him in the mail, barreling down the door with a gun in his hands. I was so shaken up about him, so shaken up about how he could come up the window, that I barreled it in, bolting it down like Nolan had shown me too.

A mute mouse. That's what I called myself these days, after that day, that's what I was called. By everyone, my therapist, my other therapist, Nolan, Natalie. Everyone knew I needed my time to process it all.

They thought I was sick for weeks, I complained of my throat, of how my teeth ached and my tongue felt numb. My mouth was preventing me from speaking. Speaking about it all. I was finally free. Free of everything. And I still felt like there was a lock on my mouth, dragging me down.

I felt ill, angry, mad. I felt like someone who was trying to get over a breakup in a relationship that never happened, except I didn't want to get over it. I was depressed, my counselor called it a depression period like I was some goddamn art piece stuck in an era.

I was tired of being abused, of being filthy. Zeke was a monster, a fucking monster. He had done everything goddamn possible to me, he had ruined my life.

And I blamed it on him, so much that I stomped into the police department. The police department, nice shiny letters, shiny badges, shiny cars. A bold place, a place for the bold. A place that wasn't meant for me, I was far from bold. I was everything bold didn't want to be. And then I walked right back out, knowing I wasn't bold enough and that restraining order would turn to shredded paper when it reached Zeke's hands.

I wasn't allowed to leave the house, school was a distant dream, I was only allowed to go to the hospital to visit Vi. They didn't know about who Vi was, just a friend I had. But when I stayed I was sent with Mr. Johnson. And Dallas was never there, I did my best to avoid him every chance I got. I hadn't seen him, and I didn't want to see him.

Vi didn't know anything about why I was at the hospital so much during school hours, but I figured Dallas would be at school. And most days he was, Davina had reported back to me. She texted me throughout the day, hoping I would come back to school soon, nobody knew about my demise and revenge plan against Zeke. Nobody knew what he did to me and I would keep it like that.

But today was school, the day I would have to face every person that invaded my nightmares, it was time for me to get back, and I had a list of things to do. My soccer coach had been emailing me, begging for me to come to practice, but I couldn't. I couldn't face those girls, especially when they had been messaging me, and gossiping about me everywhere they could. I had to quit, I didn't love it anymore.

And yet I stood in front of those doors and I couldn't even walk in, my feet were frozen. I was frozen.

"You good?" Davina asked, looking at me cross, as she hugged me.

"Yeah". I hummed softly as she grabbed my hand and pulled me in, unfreezing my feet from their scorned place.

"I had an idea today to get us back into the spirit", she looked at me smiling, devilishly smiling. I brushed back my hair, wanting to just head back home. I didn't want to be here, I didn't want to be anywhere.