Living in your universe - BTS OT7 x reader

Dark days and rays of light - Boy meets evil

My fingers ran over the black and white keys of the piano, producing a row of notes, seeping into the cold, moonlit room. My thoughts were a total mess. Since the moment I knew, Y/N went to that stupid office, completely alone, probably facing some kind of psycho, my head exploded. I didnt want to see anyone, I didnt want to hear anything. Even when Namjoon called Tae and informed him about the situation... That she was fine and this Sang-hoon was a cop. Even when the news about the interview dropped and Y/N fainted. Even when they got back to the dorm and I saw her lifeless-looking body in Joons arms, being carried to her room. I just wanted everything to stop. The world to freeze and slow down. For just a moment. For my mind to clear up. For my feelings to organize. But it was helpless. And the others, plunging into cooking, trying to distract their worried minds, didnt help either. I tried to hide in the closet but to no avail. Jin was merciless. He just picked me up like a fucking cat and forced me to help...that...that wonderful idiot.
I think he knew, I needed that. He always manages to read me so easily. Maybe that's why I fell for him somewhere along the way.
Even if I didnt want to.
He just knew that I couldn't be left alone with my thoughts. That it would have destroyed me. But he couldn't be there all the time, even if he wanted to. The moment he fell into a restless sleep, after we had tried to suffocate our worries in passionate and freaking awesome sex, they were back. This little moment of bliss and distraction ... gone. And then it started again. This rummaging through my much too big mind, ripping on the framework of my sanity and almost letting it crash together like a house of cards. Almost. So I jumped out of the bed and ran over to the one place, giving me solace in every part of my life. The one place giving me peace and a certain calmness. My piano.

But ... why? WHY DIDNT IT WORK?! Why was my mind still in chaos? Still so restless?

Y/N...Y/N. This name haunted me. Her smile, her voice, her touches. Everything. I couldn't get enough of her. I wanted to be at her side constantly, wanted to rip the other's hands away from her, every time they touched her. I wanted to lock myself up with her and ruin her. Or let her ruin me. Doesn't matter. Just be ... inside of her. Connected with her. Somehow.

But this desperation, this fucking jealously ... I am so scared. I can't be jealous of the others. They are my brothers, my lovers, my friends. And we agreed. We agreed to this. And I ... I ... I wasn't jealous of Jin, being together with Tae or Joon. So why ... why her?! This cant be good ... this is bad ... so bad ... I have ... to stay away from her ...

But it was no use. My mind and my heart spoke different languages. Before I realized it, I had started to play First love. I started to call out for her, praying that she would hear this, that she would understand my confusing feelings ... somehow. This war, shooting through every nerve of my body.

And...she did.

I felt her arms around me and suddenly everything went quiet. This raging storm, this burning ocean of doubts fell silent, leaving me with only one word in my mind.

Home.

She is ... home.

And when my lips found hers, when I felt her soft kisses embrace me, something changed in this messed up mind of mine. Before, there was endless lust. An urge to devour her body, make her mine and mine completely. But now ... there was something very fragile, very warm. A ... light, where shadows resided. And it felt so good.
But it faded, much too quickly. She fell asleep, her lips still pressed to mine. I knew she was exhausted, I knew she was worn out. So I picked her up and nestled her back between Joon and Tae. She looked so peaceful. So ... happy. But with all this around her, with all this drama, the last thing she needed right now was ... a messed up fucker like me.

So I left.

Right in the next morning. I bumped into her, just when I was about to leave. She looked beautiful and my heart ached so much. I can't have her. She isn't mine. She cant be ... mine. My mind was replaying those words over and over again, I didnt hear anything she said. The panic took over and I ran away. Picked up my things and left the dorm.

And now I was here, sitting in this empty room, in the middle of the night. In a flat, that feels empty without the others, without her, without my Hobi. On a piano that feels much too unfamiliar ... with a song that sounds wrong. No. It isn't a song. It is ... me. I am wrong. So wrong. The chaos was back, the doubts, the fear, and the lust. In full force. Desperation flooded me and I tried to distract myself, almost hitting the keyboard now. Groans and moans escaped from my throat. Frustration. Anger. Desperation. Again. I can't think. I can't feel. All is ... too much.

And I miss her.

And I miss ... Hobi and Jin. And Joon...

Oh god, I miss my Hobi so much.

My beautiful Hobi. Always so cheerful, always trying to make my day better. His love was unmatched. Unconditionally. Powerful. He understands me, makes me strive to be a better man. For him. And he was always there. Even when we weren't together officially yet. He hung out in my studio for countless hours, making sure I ate properly. He helped me get down the choreography, even with my destroyed shoulder, and ... he hugged me to sleep when I was too anxious to do so. And he never questioned us ... even when we both started liking Y/N. Even when he noticed, I clenched my fists, every time she got kissed or caressed by the others. Even when I was so fucking angry at him, that he had a taste of her before me. He just ... held me. Let me cry out my frustration and self-blame. He was always there.

"I love you, Jung Hoseok. And ... and ..."

Just like ... Y/N. Suddenly those moments blazed into my mind. Those moments when she was so soft and so patiently. When she looked at me with those beautiful green eyes, showing me that she trusted me. That she would give me all the time to get comfortable.

"Home." She said endlessly gently, her full lips curled into the most wonderful little smile. I wanted to kiss her so bad. "It is the word home."

"...and ..." I gasped, my eyes wide. "...oh god. I think ... I think I love you, Y/N."

Those whispered words slipped from my lips, stopping the mindless play, my fingers hovering over the keyboard. The trembling disappeared instantly, my hands steady and calm again. My heart was beating like crazy, happy and excited about this revelation. The shadows finally chased away, sparks of lights diluting the dense darkness and dissolving into a feeling of serenity. I sighed, caressing over the white keys softly, a smile on my lips.

I finally understood. I knew, what path I wanted to take.

And then a new melody, one I have never heard before, hovered in my mind. Fragile. Beautiful. Yearning. And I started to play again, my mind quiet, flooded with light.