Secrets and Oaths✓

Do You Blame Me?

"This isn't too awkward, is it? I mean, we've never hung out just the two of us. I don't want it to be awkward." I was rambling, I know but I didn't want things to be awkward between me and Jacob.

"Kat, it's fine. I think it's a good idea." Jacob's smile assures me more than his words that I'm doing the right thing.

"I feel like I never really get the chance to talk to you. How are you holding up?"

He knew what I meant. "It doesn't seem real that she's gone. I know she purposefully caused the accident but I still miss her, you know. I know how crazy that sounds, given everything that's happened because of her but... she was still my mom, you know."

"Jacob, I can't even begin to tell you how sorry I am. I never wanted any of this to happen. Hindsight is 20/20 and I shouldn't have gotten involved with your father. I mean this truthfully, if I could go back and just stay away from your dad, I would." I was crying by this point, stupid pregnancy hormones.

"I wouldn't want you to." I gave him a disbelieving look. "Honestly. Parents are so quick to think that us kids don't see things, that we're too naive. But I knew my parents weren't happy. I know what the accident, or whatever you want to call it since we're all pretty sure that she did it on purpose, did to my parents' marriage. They thought they were being slick, going to bed after, but I knew that they were sleeping in separate bedrooms. And then you came into my dad's life and he started smiling for no reason again. I'd just catch him lost in thought, smiling. And he hasn't done that since before the accusation and the trial. You make him happy. Don't get me wrong, I kinda wish your dad hadn't killed her. But I don't regret you meeting my dad."

"Wow... Thank you Jacob. Sometimes when you speak, I forget that you're only a teenager. I'm sorry that things have happened to you that forced you to grow up too quickly."

"Oh, I'm still plenty a teenager. Charlie and I had a burping contest through the walls of our rooms last night after you and Dad went to bed." He said, laughing his head off. It felt so good to see him laughing that I soon found myself joining in.

"So that was you guys? I thought some drunk had broken into the garage. I almost woke your dad up to go check it out."

"Yep that was us. I'll have to tell Charlie that you thought we sounded like drunks. We must be getting pretty good."

"Boys..." I said, rolling my eyes. "Now, something less heavy, how's it been since we've all moved in together? You're not feeling pushed out are you?"

"No. I think it's great! I've always wanted a brother." This makes me smile. Honestly Jacob was a god-send for Charlie. He was healing so much better having someone, a brother, there.

"I'm glad. And you're ok with the baby? I know I'm probably driving you crazy with all my questions but with all the other changes going on, I don't want you to think that anyone is going to forget you."

"I'm excited. It'll be interesting, having a baby around." This kid was so pure. I'll never be able to understand how Laurie could actually think that he'd be capable of hurting another human being. He had a kindness that no one his age had normally, let alone someone who had gone through all the shit that he did.

"You sure?"

"Yeah! You and my dad deserve some happiness."

"Hey, you and Charlie make us happy. You more so than Charlie in my book but that's just because you haven't gotten tired of me yet. I'll give it a few years." I say with a wink.

🔪🔪🔪

I was getting ready for bed later than night, changing in our walk-in closet. I could hear the boys laughing in Jacob's room and it brought a smile to my face. I never thought I'd hear Charlie laugh again and I wouldn't trade it for anything. I came back to our bed, settling in next to Andy, who was reading. I pulled my book, What to Expect When You're Expecting, and settled in next to him. 

"So how was your lunch with Jacob today?"

"It went really well. I just, I don't know, wish you both were more angry with me." He gave me a questioning look. "Laurie." He sighs, putting his bookmark back in its place and turned to face me. "I know you've both said that you don't blame me but I blame me. I just can't let it go. I fall asleep and I see her face. I dream, and it's of her crime scene. I hate my father. This is honestly worse than when he took my mother from me. I couldn't blame myself for that, so he made sure that I would destroy myself over this one."

"You need to let go of this. Nothing that you just told me is healthy."

"I know, I know. I just don't know how."

"Maybe it's time to consider doing that therapy your captain ordered for your reinstatement. It might help."

"You're right. I'll call in the morning to set something up." I promise before shutting off my lamp, sending our room into darkness.