Secrets and Oaths✓

I Need to Feel Safe Again

It's been a month since that conversation in bed with Andy. It's been about three weeks since I've started therapy. We sit there for twenty minutes in silence. I refuse to be the first one to break. I hold the record for least amount of breaks. She doesn't seem to think it's much of an accomplishment but oh well. "You do know that your reinstatement is conditional on you completing these sessions?" she asks, as if that's going to get me to talk.

"I know but I'm in no rush to get back. I'm seven months pregnant. At this point the only thing I'll be doing is riding a desk so it doesn't much matter." I'll give her the win this week. She knew that comment would get me talking.

"And you also know that these are meant to help you. But they'll only do that if you actually talk."

"How exactly is this going to help? Because I don't get how talking about the nightmares and the flashbacks and the anxiety is going to do anything but give them more power over me."

"If that was truly the case, you wouldn't be here at all."

"I'm here because my fiance is terrified that I'm going to fall apart. He's handling me with kid gloves which was nice in the beginning but we're four months past the incident and I'm over it."

"Are you still blaming yourself for Laurie's death?"

"Not as much as in the beginning."

"Then how are you over it, as you put it?"

"Because this isn't the worse thing I've been through by a long shot. Because I'm not losing sleep over what I did to my father."

"Then what are you losing sleep over?"

I take a second and think about it. "I'm losing sleep because every time I close my eyes I either see Charlie's body, or Andy's, or Jacob's, or Laurie's, or Jimmy's and it haunts me. The man is dead. I know he can't hurt me or them and yet he's still fucking with me."

"Why do you think he has that power over you? He's gone, like you said. You should be able to find peace in that."

"I know I should, and for the most part I do. Until I think of everything he almost took from me. I mean, besides these sessions, I'm on bedrest for the next two months because I almost lost the baby twice in a span of twenty-four hours. If anything had happened to either of them, the baby or Charlie, I don't know what I'd do."

"But you don't have to worry about that. Both Charlie and your daughter are safe. You should be excited, you're about to be a mom."

"I am." I say shortly.

"Ok, our hour is almost up so I'm going to assign you some homework. I want you to journal every positive thing you see and think every day for the next week until our next session."

"Ok." I say and shake her had before walking out. Andy is waiting for me in the car.

"How was it?"

"Not quite the same as last week. But this time I was given homework."

"Oh?"

"Apparently I'm too negative so I'm supposed to journal all the positive things I see and think for the next week."

"You, a pessimist, never." he jokes. 

"Ha ha. You're hilarious."

We were almost home when he reaches over and places a hand on my stomach. "How's the little bean today?"

"She's playing whack-a-mole with my bladder. She's having a blast but I'm really uncomfortable." He pulls into our driveway and shuts the car off, coming around to my side to help lift me out of the car. Honestly, I was so over being pregnant. He kneels down so he's at eye level with the bump and places both hands on either side of it.

"Come on little one. Give your mom a break. She's been having a rough time lately." Almost instantly she stops, placing one last kick on his hand before settling.

"It's really not fair how she listens to you. She's a daddy's girl and she isn't even here yet."

"What can I say? She has good taste."

"She certainly does." I say as I lean up and give him a kiss. We settle into the house and get comfortable on the couch, waiting for Charlie and Jacob to get home from school. 

"Have you given any more thought to the wedding?" He asks as I lean my back against his torso, his hand finding mine and fiddling with the engagement ring on my left hand. 

"I have. Are you sure that you want to get married this soon after Laurie died?"

"I'm sure. I love you Kat and I want you to be my wife."

"Ok. Then we should set a date for the court house."

"The court house?" 

"I don't want to put on some big production when I myself look like I should be the elephant in the circus, not the bride. Plus neither of us really have any family outside of the one that lives here. To me, it just doesn't seem worth the fuss, and money, to put on some show for acquaintances. Especially not with a baby on the way. And I really want to get married before she gets here. We can keep the boys out of school so they can come and it'll be perfect."

"As long as that's what you want. We can do it next Friday. That'll give me enough time to move things around so I can take some time off of work for a honeymoon."

"Virginia Beach?" I ask him.

"That sounds amazing."