Under the Stars

Chapter #5: I Feel Like I'm the Worst

Yamaguchi runs, he's not sure where, but it doesn't matter.

Anywhere away from him.

His breathing gets heavier with every step, every sob. He doesn't look back, not once. He doesn't want the shame of knowing that Tsukishima is watching as he runs away.

He reaches a curve in the path which leads to a different school building, separate from where all the teams are staying. He tugs on the door handle, but it doesn't budge. He starts to get frantic, feeling like an animal cornered by a predator. Turning back to where he came from, he weaves his way between gymnasiums and other school buildings to get to the main building, trying to avoid being spotted by other teams or Tsukishima.

He approaches the main building, and once inside, he turns to the left, to find an area with unoccupied classrooms. He gets so far that the hallways aren't even lit. His steps and breathing echo around him, so quiet, but so loud. To his dismay, he reaches a dead end.

No, no, not here, I can't here, no no no.

Somebody could see.

Somebody could hear.

He turns around, looking for an open door. A classroom, a bathroom, a storage room, anywhere that he can lock himself in and let his emotions take him over. Soon, he finds a washroom. He flings the door open and scrambles to the last stall, locks himself in, and lets the tears come full force.

***

For a while, Tsukishima is frozen, looking in the direction in which Yamaguchi ran off in. His mind is racing, thoughts flying past so fast that there isn't enough time to grasp any of them. After a minute or two, he finally processes what happened, and he is wracked with emotion.

He and Yamaguchi would argue occasionally. Little things, trivial and insignificant disagreements that would result in a laugh, or an apology from either party, sometimes even a hug.

But they have never fought like this.

Tsukishima abandons the path, and finds a place behind one of the gyms. It's dark, with the only light coming from the few windows in the building and lamps alongside the path, none of it would reveal his position. He can't hear any squeaking shoes or cheering teams, only the faint chirping of crickets fill the air and his heartbeat in his ears.

He sits with his back to the wall and arms wrapped around his knees, which are brought up to his chest. He tucks his head down, trying to make himself as small as possible. It was comforting to him, it always made him feel like he was protecting himself from harm.

But right now, he can't hide. Because the only thing hurting him is his own mind, his own regret and shame.

He takes a deep breath in, and holds it. His mind runs a million miles an hour, with only one clear thought.

This is my fault.

He exhales, breath shuddering.

This is my fault.

He sniffles.

I made him cry.

And the tears fall.

"I didn't even mean what I said."

What's wrong with me? he asks himself. What is wrong with me for saying that to him? What kind of person hurts their friend? What kind of person makes their best friend cry?

"I didn't even mean what I said," he gasps for breath, "I was just so angry, I don't- I don't even know where that came from."

He's not talking to anyone, not even himself. His speech becomes involuntary as his emotions overcome him.

Why did I say that to him? Why was I so angry? Why was I so mean? Why do I care so much? It's not my problem, so why do I care so much?

"Why do I care so goddamn much?"

He starts crying harder, sniffles turning into sobs. His breath shudders with every inhale and exhale.

Tsukishima thinks about Tadashi, and is hit by another wave of guilt.

He thinks about his smile, how he looks so effortless when he's genuinely happy. He thinks about his eyes, and how the greenish-brown colour sparkles when he's passionate about something. The freckles that adorn his cheeks, the determination in his eyes when he goes in for a serve, the way he shuffles his feet when he's nervous, the way he bites his tongue when he's concentrating, the way he scratches the back of his neck when he's embarrassed.

Thinking about all of it just makes Kei sob even harder.

***

Tsukishima's not sure how long he was there, and nor does he care. After crying, he sits there, numb, not feeling anything, but thinking everything.

He wonders how Yamaguchi's doing, if he's still crying, if he's alone. He wonders if he knows that he didn't mean what he said, and that he was just angry. Whether or not he will ever talk to him again, knowing how horrible he is.

I wonder if he hates me.

Yamaguchi is a very forgiving person, and he can never stay angry for long periods of time. Whenever Tsukishima asks why he is so quick to forgiveness he'd always say...

'It's just not worth the energy to be angry.'

He considers this for a moment.

I wonder if it's worth the energy this time.

After a while, Tsukishima gets up and returns to the path, making his way back to the school with tear-blurred vision. He didn't notice if any teams were leaving the gyms or walking back to the main building while he was crying, so he hopes that there won't be many teams checking in for this night just yet. When he arrives, he finds that the hallways are still empty. He mindlessly walks down to Karasuno's room to grab his pajamas and toiletries, and heads down to the showers.

Not only does his mind feel numb, his body does too. All of his senses are muffled, every sound feels as if it's coming from a distance. The sensation of his feet touching the floor as he walks is nearly absent, leaving him feeling as though he's gliding. He showers and brushes his teeth absentmindedly, then goes back to Karasuno's room.

Before he covers himself with his blanket, he moves his mat a few feet away from Yamaguchi's. It hurts him, but it'll hurt so much more if he doesn't do it.

It doesn't take long for him to fall asleep.