Under the Stars

Chapter #23: I'll Put a Bullet in My Head

Hello dear friends, this chapter gets quite heavy, and could potentially be triggering to some of you, so please be cautious as you venture forth.

A few weeks pass and school is in full swing once more. The third semester has proven to be the most difficult so far, but Tsukishima continues to manage. Volleyball practice has continued into the new year, and a few middle school students that would be attending Karasuno High next year and were interested in volleyball attended a couple practices.

Nationals had come and passed, which the entire team watched. Aoba Johsai had been cut in the second round against Inarizaki High, who are supposedly the second-best high school team in all of Japan. They house the 5th best ace, Ojiro Aran, and the best server, Miya Atsumu, who Kageyama met at the All-Japan youth training camp. Nekoma triumphed over Inarizaki, but was defeated by Fukurodani. To everyone's surprise, it was Fukurodani who took first place over Itachiyama, home of the best high school ace, Sakusa Kiyoomi.

For the last few weeks, Tadashi has hit a plateau with his depression. He's been sitting at a mild severity since after Christmas, with a couple off days. He hasn't missed school or volleyball, but to Tsukishima's dismay, he's started self-harming again. This time, Tadashi told him directly, rather than hinting at it through other methods. Tsukishima felt some mild disappointment, knowing that he had been clean for over a month, but he didn't let it show, he knew that it would only further upset Yamaguchi, who was already frustrated enough.

Tonight, the two of them talk over the phone while Tsukishima works on some pre-calculus homework. He has a test coming up and he wants to make sure that he is well-prepared. Tadashi is feeling lower than normal today, and Kei figured it wouldn't hurt to call him. Since the two of them often listen to music while they are together, he has some music playing through his speaker that is just loud enough for Yamaguchi to hear on the other side.

The two don't talk much. The purpose of the call was less to have a conversation, and more to be in each other's virtual company. To have the comfort of knowing that somebody is there with you, even if it is just through an audio feed. Occasionally, Tsukishima goes on a tangent about something while Tadashi just listens, not feeling up to answering.

"How are you feeling?" Kei asks well over an hour into the call.

"Not great, I'm sorry," Yamaguchi responds.

"Don't be sorry, it's just a bad day," he assures him.

"But it's inconveniencing you."

"I'd rather it be you inconveniencing me than anybody else," he jokes. "But seriously, it's not an inconvenience at all, so please don't apologize."

He doesn't get a response, not that he wasn't expecting one in the first place.

After a moment of silence, Tsukishima asks another question. "Is there anything in particular that's been bothering you?"

Tadashi sighs, "I just feel like I don't deserve you."

Kei's face morphs into a puzzled expression, "What do you mean 'you don't deserve me?'" If anything, it's the opposite.

"You're such a good person, and I'm...not."

"Me? A good person? Absolutely not," Tsukishima has to push his laughter down, knowing that Tadashi isn't joking. "You're an amazing person, Tadashi. What other reason would there be for us to be together?"

"Pity," he says without missing a beat.

Tsukishima has to think about that for a moment, "Why would I pity you?"

"Because I'm not talented like everyone else on the team, I'm not intelligent like you are, I'm not good at making friends like everyone else seems to be, I'm not good at anything I do." Kei barely has any time to think the statement over before Tadashi continues.