Under the Stars

Chapter #26: Give Me a Long Kiss Goodnight

Tsukishima sits on the porch in the backyard, clutching onto the hoodie like it's the last piece of Tadashi he has. He shivers in the bitter, unforgiving night air, but he pays it no mind. Finally feeling well enough, he started attending school a few days prior, but it only seemed to worsen the hollow feeling in his chest. Without Tadashi there, the entire school was dull, like all of the liveliness had been sucked out of the place. Flowers still sat upon his desk, further reminding him of his loss.

He hasn't set foot in the gymnasium since before Tadashi committed suicide either. He knows that attending volleyball will be a step in his path of healing, but he's not ready to heal yet, and it'll likely remain that way for months, possibly years. He doesn't want to let go, for fear of forgetting all of the memories he shared with Tadashi. After all, they were experienced by just the two of them, with one of them gone, he bears the responsibility of keeping those memories sacred.

He still bears the sense of guilt and responsibility he felt two weeks ago. Restless thoughts keep him awake at night, voices of 'you could have done something' haunting him without any respite. If only he had double checked if he was alright that night, if only he had spent more time with him. If only he hugged him more, held his hand more, kissed him more, maybe he'd still be around.

If only I told him that I loved him more often.

The wind gusts and rattles the leafless branches of the trees. Tsukishima shifts his feet, making the snow crunch under his shoes. It wasn't like the light fluffy snow that blanketed the sledding hill not even a month ago. It melted and froze again, creating a brown slush. He's just about to head back inside when he hears the door open behind him.

"Hey," Akiteru says.

Tsukishima waits until his brother sits down beside him to return the greeting, "Hey."

"How are you feeling?" he asks.

"I'm okay."

A silence falls between them, and Kei hugs the hoodie tighter to his body and buries his face into it. Despite the washes it's been through, it still smells like Tadashi, like fragrance-free soap. Sweet, simple and mild.

"I thought he'd recover," Tsukishima says softly.

"I did too," Akiteru pauses hesitantly, "can I tell you something?"

The question piques his brother's interest and he looks over to him, "Sure."

Akiteru takes a deep breath, "Remember when I first gave you advice on how to help him?"

Kei nods, "Yeah."

"Remember how I said that the reason I knew so much was because I had a friend in high school who self-harmed?"

Kei nods again, and his eyes widen as he realizes what he's about to hear before he's even told.

"I was actually talking about myself."

Akiteru looks away shyly as his brother processes his words. It's completely baffling to him. Sure, he didn't know everything about his older brother, but he never expected for him to tell him something like this. He couldn't even picture it, somebody as carefree and outgoing as him, struggling day by day, it just doesn't make sense.

"Why?" Kei asks once he finds his train of thought.

He sighs, "You know how I wasn't actually on the high school volleyball team, right?"

Kei nods.

"It...it was really hard on me. I went from being this golden child that everyone was proud of, to a nobody. I felt like a failure, I didn't tell Okaasan until my second year, and you ended up finding out," he cringes at the memory and scratches the back of his neck. "When I finally told her, she wasn't angry, but I felt like the biggest disappointment she'd ever faced.

"Listening to everyone talk about me like I was some prodigy, they were turning me into something I wasn't and I felt like an imposter. Because of my failure in volleyball, I felt like I needed to be so much better at the other things that I did. I felt this pressure to be perfect, and I just wasn't...and I guess it threw me into a depression."