I'm in love with Tadashi.
If he were being honest, he isn't surprised. If anything, he's angry with himself for not realizing it sooner. He'd been so focused on trying to help him get better, and trying to get better at helping him. He hadn't realized that in his attempt to aid Yamaguchi with his issues, he'd let his own emotions out. In the process of helping him become honest with his struggles, he didn't realize that he himself had become vulnerable.
The cork on the bottle has popped, and there's no going back.
It happened so slowly he hadn't even realized, only noticing it now when reality is staring him in the face. Only noticing it once he can't do anything about it.
When Kei was young, he wasn't very social, but he was still friendly. He opened up to those he was close to, he'd let himself be vulnerable. He'd let himself feel when he needed to, he would cry when he was sad, he would yell when he was angry. But as he got older, he began to hide himself, locking away his vulnerable side in the deepest parts of his personality.
It started when Akiteru was in his last year of high school, when Kei found out that he wasn't on the volleyball team. It wasn't the disappointment that hurt him, but the fact that his brother had been lying to him for years. One of the only people that Tsukishima trusted with his feelings had deceived him, and after that, he stopped being vulnerable, even around Tadashi. He's hid his feelings around others for so long, that he lost the ability to understand his own emotions. And he's only becoming aware of this now, along with the realization that he's developed feelings for his best friend.
As the epiphany settles in, Tsukishima starts to cry, with a few tears soundlessly traveling from his eyes and down his cheeks. He thinks about how over the years he's slowly pushed away his family and his friends, how they must've felt as they slowly lost touch with him. An ache settles into his heart as he cries.
Tsukishima sits on the edge of his bed for what seems like forever, thinking about the impact of his actions with a clear mind. Not only had he been hurting others with his cold demeanor and insensitivity, he'd been hurting himself. He didn't understand that by keeping his emotions under lock and key, he put up a wall between himself and everyone else. He thinks about how his mother must feel, how the one son she has left at home almost never speaks with her, how he stays up in his room all of the time.
I can't remember the last time I told her I love her.
He finally gets up and wipes the tears from his eyes, opens his door and walks down the hallway to the living room where his mother is. She's laying on the couch watching some sort of baking show when he approaches her.
"Okaasan," his voice comes out hoarse.
"Oh, Kei! What's up?" She notices his eyes, which are red from crying, "Are you okay?"
To her surprise, her son crouches down and hugs her. Arms wrapped tightly around her body, his head over her shoulder. "I love you," he whispers.
For a moment, she sits there, stunned at his actions. But soon, she melts into his embrace and returns the hug.
"I love you too."
***
Two days pass and Tsukishima is walking around Karasuno high for the start of second term. He had spent all day yesterday trying to emotionally prepare himself to see Tadashi after his epiphany. Somehow, knowing that he is in love with him makes even the thought of interacting with him so much more difficult. He endlessly cursed himself for being so awkward when it came to feelings and emotions before eventually deciding that all efforts he made would be futile.
As he makes his way towards his classroom he runs into a few familiar faces. He passes by Hinata and Kageyama, as well as a few of the third years. He enters his classroom and sits down before hearing the voice of a certain someone.
"Good morning Tsukki."
Tsukishima turns around at the sound of his nickname to see Yamaguchi entering the classroom. He has some mild dark circles under his eyes and wears a weary smile, but that doesn't stop Kei's heart from squeezing inside of his chest. He waves and smiles back at him, "Good morning."
He pulls out his headphones and iPod shuffle while waiting for class to begin. The first song to play is 'Homecoming' by Green Day.
YOU ARE READING
Under the Stars
Fanfiction"Have you ever thought about killing yourself?" "What the hell? Of course not! Why would you even ask something like that?" "I don't know, the thought just came to my mind I guess." Tsukishima Kei was never one to socialize or be overly friendly. A...
