Under the Stars

Chapter #22: This is Our Lives on Holiday

"Hey, it's 11:50."

Tsukishima and Tadashi lay next to each other on the former's bed listening to music that plays through his brand-new iPod Nano and speakers. It's New Year's Eve, and their families decided to have a small get-together earlier that day. Akiteru left shortly after dinner to go hang out with some of his friends, and Ms. Yamaguchi left a couple hours ago. They hadn't planned for Tadashi to stay over, but since she's left and Kei's mother is already asleep, they're sure their mothers won't mind.

"10 minutes till midnight," Yamaguchi responds.

"Did you make a new year's resolution?" Tsukishima asks.

"Nah, I wouldn't keep it anyway. What about you?"

"Me neither. Besides, what's the point in waiting until the new year to make a lifestyle change? It always seemed silly to me." He rolls onto his side so that he's facing Yamaguchi, who does the same.

Since his hospitalization, Tadashi's mood has fallen, but not drastically so. The doctors have been steadily increasing the dose of his antidepressants, and they seem to be working. Coupled with therapy, the medication should be able to keep him steady and functional, maybe even normal. It's given them hope, a light in the dark.

Tsukishima gently takes hold of Tadashi's hand, and brings it up so that their clasped hands rest between their chests. He glances at the clock once more, 11:53.

"The fireworks are going to start soon, do you want to go outside to watch? Or just hope that we'll be able to see them from the window?" Every year, at least one household from the neighbourhood will buy fireworks and set them off right at midnight. He and his brother used to watch them together, but since they'd grown apart, he hasn't seen them in a few years.

"It's so cold outside, let's just watch from here," Tadashi answers.

The two don't speak for a moment, and the next song starts playing. The familiar melody of Boulevard of Broken Dreams softly emits from the speaker. Tadashi begins to hum along to the vocals once they start. While it is a good song, and undeniably one of his favourites, Tsukishima doesn't understand how it could make anyone happy. The somber lyrics, the dramatic instrumentation, and the overall dismal air the song gives off, it doesn't necessarily depress him, but it doesn't exactly bring him joy, either.

On the other hand, Tadashi gets the opposite out of the song. Kei has asked him why it makes him so happy, but he's never gotten a clear answer. He's usually met with 'I don't know' or 'It just sounds good'. Maybe it really does 'just sound good' to Yamaguchi. To be fair, Tsukishima can't always describe why a song is his favourite.

He closes his eyes and hums along with him until they hit the chorus and unexpectedly, Tadashi actually sings. His voice is light and feathery, just loud enough to be considered singing. Tsukishima stops humming, and opts to listen instead. The dark lyrics mix with his soft and sweet voice, creating a beautiful melancholy that grips onto Kei's heart like a hand grenade. Halfway through the second verse, Tadashi suddenly stops.

"Oh my god, I didn't realize I was singing, I'm sorry."

"Please keep going," Kei asks.

He and Yamaguchi make eye contact, until the latter shies away with a red tint on his cheeks. Tsukishima grips his hand tighter, "Please."

To encourage Tadashi to start singing again, he picks up the lyrics right before the chorus and looks at him expectantly. Until finally, he joins in a few lyrics later.

The two faintly sing the rest of the bittersweet melody, humming through the guitar solos. The song happened to be the last on shuffle, so the two lay there in silence, with only a few minutes until midnight to go. Yamaguchi lies with his eyes closed, but Tsukishima's stay wide open, surveying him.

His stitches had been taken out a few days before they'd gone sledding, and the bandages were no longer necessary, either. The newly healed wounds formed pink lines of fragile skin that would eventually turn into white scars. His arms have been free of new cuts since his release, and he hasn't asked Tsukishima to turn around while changing for volleyball, making it nearly a month since he had hurt himself. Tsukishima would congratulate him, but he knows that he doesn't like it when somebody mentions it to him.

Yamaguchi must feel eyes on him, because his eyes flutter open and look up at Kei's. The greenish-brown mix shines with so much warmth and trust, anybody could see the affection they hold with just one glance. In the short moment of their eyes meeting, Tsukishima feels his breath being taken away. He feels unexpectedly nervous, the silence becomes deafening as they hold the mutual gaze. What should I do? he thinks to himself. Should I get up and shuffle the music again? Should I hold him? Should I-

Before he knows it, Tadashi's lips are on his. It only lasts a moment before he pulls away, embarrassed and blushing all the way up to his hairline. Tsukishima barely has time to process the sensation when he goes to kiss him again, acting purely on instinct. Tadashi's lips are soft as they gently part, deepening the kiss. He delicately caresses the side of Tadashi's face and pulls away after a moment. Both of them blush a deep red and can feel the heat radiating from each other's skin. Again, they lean into a third kiss, more intense than the last two. Not hurried, nor aggressive, the two pull each other close and hold onto one another as they kiss.

At some point, they distantly hear fireworks being shot off, but neither of them pay the noise any mind. For them, nothing exists beyond the four walls of Tsukishima's room where the two boys lay.

Kei almost feels as though he's floating, the only thing that grounds him is the feeling of Tadashi's lips against his own. His mind grows foggy as he continues to kiss him with only one coherent thought.

I love you.

I love you.

"I love you," Tsukishima whispers.

The words leave his lips before he even decides to speak them aloud. The amount of time he's been wanting to say those words, the amount of times he's played this situation out in his head, it's all led up to this. He anticipated that he'd be nervous confessing his love, but the feeling is absent. Instead, only desire and affection take its place.

"I love you too," Tadashi responds a moment later.

Tsukishima feels warmth bloom in his chest when hearing those words, and he pulls Tadashi closer to him, resting his hand on his waist. Tadashi holds onto Kei's shoulder, clutching onto him as if he'd lose him if he let go.

The two kiss for what seems like forever, until they both pull away with swollen lips and blushing faces. Tsukishima touches his forehead to Yamaguchi's, who nuzzles his nose against him. They lay there in silence, slowly drifting off to sleep as the occasional firework crackles in the cold air of the new year.