Under the Stars

Chapter #8: We'll Be Counting Stars

It takes a while for Tadashi to stop crying, but eventually he pulls away from Tsukishima's embrace to stand upright. For a moment, the two remain silent, unsure of what to say to each other. With an issue this serious up in the air, it's hard to address it. It's also a sensitive subject, only making this situation so much more difficult. But Tsukishima knows he has to say something and takes a deep breath in.

"So...why do you have my hoodie?"

It takes a moment to realize what he just said, and he mentally scolds himself for saying something so stupid. However, Tadashi doesn't call him out on it.

"I was getting lonely and- and I was missing you so I...I took it from your bag," he says softly, "I hope that was okay?"

He wasn't expecting an answer, let alone such an honest and thoughtful one. If it weren't for the grave circumstances, Kei would find it heartwarming.

There's another extended pause, more awkward than the last. Neither of the boys make any attempt at conversation. Instead, they stand motionless a few feet apart, averting their gazes. A light starts to flicker in the corner of Tsukishima's eye, but it's not enough to distract either of them from the tension of the room.

Yamaguchi inhales loudly through his nose, and walks to the paper towel dispenser and pulls out a sheet to blow his nose. Then, he goes to wash his hands before going to the exit. But before he can open the door, Tsukishima stops him, "Wait."

Tadashi's hand wavers in the air, inches away from the door handle.

"We can't just ignore something like this."

His hand drops to his side, "Do we have to talk about it right now?" he mumbles, clearly not happy that his friend isn't letting him escape the situation.

"Yes, we do. Because I know that you're just going to avoid the topic if we drop it now," Tsukishima says with firmness in his voice, letting Yamaguchi know that he's not going to drop the issue.

He huffs in response, and then walks back over to his original spot in front of the mirror and leans against the sink, "What?"

Tsukishima's eyes narrow, "What do you mean 'what'? You know exactly what."

No response.

He continues, this time he softens his voice a bit. Trying to sound gentle but maintain the impact of his words, "Why are you doing this?"

Yamaguchi exhales slowly, as if he is considering how to answer the question. Several times, he opens his mouth to answer, but quickly shuts it before any words have the chance to spill out. All the while, Tsukishima stares at him blankly, refusing to budge despite Tadashi's obvious discomfort. Normally, he doesn't pry into the feelings of others, knowing how much he hates it when it happens to him. Eventually, the uncomfortable silence is too much for Tadashi to bear, and so he explains.

"Things have been really hard lately," he says with complete earnestness.

This confuses Kei. Exams? No, he wouldn't do this just because of some simple exam stress. "What do you mean?" he asks, trying to keep judgement out of his voice.

"I've been feeling really stressed and lonely and honestly just downright terrible recently, and I guess I couldn't handle it anymore." His voice is strained, like he's holding back tears again.

"And? You've gotten through stress before, right? So what's different about it this time?"

"It's not just that..." Yamaguchi continues, "I didn't want to have to tell you but...I-I've been diagnosed with anxiety and depression."

Silence falls between them again as Tsukishima processes what's been told.

Tadashi, depressed? But he's so happy, he's always been happy. Why would somebody like him become depressed? When did this start? Has he always been like this? Have there been any signs or hints that I've been ignoring?

He wracks his brain for memories, for answers, for any indication of there being something wrong, until one particular event stands out among them.

***

It was the summer of 2011, the last summer vacation they'd have during middle school. The night was warm, but a bit cold for the season. Tadashi and Kei were laying in the grass of the latter's backyard, gazing up at the night sky. There wasn't much conversation between them, other than an occasional remark about the stars or how beautiful the night was, until Tadashi posed a rather odd question.

"Have you ever thought about killing yourself?"

Tsukishima coughed in surprise, dumbfounded by such a question and sat up abruptly.

"What the hell? Of course not! Why would you even ask something like that?"

Tadashi sat up as well and shrugged his shoulders, "I don't know, the thought just came to my mind I guess."
   
Not knowing what to say, Tsukishima remained speechless, staring at his best friend, who sat a few feet away. He was running his open palms against the tops of the grass, back and forth, feeling the tips tickling his skin as he brushed over them.

"Well, I should probably go home, it's getting late and my mom's probably waiting for me."

Still unsure of what to say, Tsukishima nodded in agreement, "Yeah, you probably should."

"Well, I'll be on my way then, goodnight Tsukki!"

"Yeah, see you later."

***

The memories combined with his recent behaviour confirms it.

"You've been struggling for a long time, haven't you?" he says after a thoughtful silence.

Tadashi nods in agreement, for fear that if he opens his mouth, he'll start crying again.

Tsukishima feels almost nauseous, sick to his stomach over his fear and concern, but most of all he feels idiotic.

How could I have been so fucking blind to my best friend's feelings?

He takes a few steps towards Tadashi, and holds him in an embrace. He isn't sure why he felt the need to hug him, but it felt natural, instinctual. Tadashi doesn't return the hug, however he does lean into the touch.

"Is this why you haven't been sleeping?" Tsukishima asks softly, his voice nearly a whisper.

Tadashi nods against his shoulder.

...

"Why didn't you tell me?"

Tadashi sniffles, "I didn't want to hurt you. I thought that I could just ignore it, that it would go away and that I wouldn't have to tell you."

His words hit Tsukki like a punch to the gut, "You didn't want to hurt me." He inflects his voice up at the end of the sentence, but not quite enough to phrase it as a question.

Tadashi shakes his head.

"How would this hurt me?"

"I thought that telling you about my dumb problems and emotions would annoy you or something, or that you'd think I'm stupid for not being strong enough to deal with them."

Tsukishima makes a 'pfft' noise, "Don't be an idiot. Your problems aren't going to hurt me, and they aren't stupid either, and whether or not this has anything to do with strength is irrelevant."

"I mean, it kinda is-"

"No, it isn't. Besides, I know that you can get through this, because I know you. I've seen you get past other setbacks before, this one might be the biggest one yet but you'll get past it just the same."

He pulls away from Tadashi and holds onto his upper arms and tries to affirm Tadashi with a reassuring smile, while also trying to cover his own awkwardness. Thankfully, he smiles back. It's weak, but it's something, and it makes something in Kei's chest flutter a little bit.

"We can talk about this after camp, since we don't exactly have time right now."

"Yeah..."

After a moment to allow them both to calm down, Tadashi and Kei walk back to the classroom together. They take their time, individually thinking about the challenge ahead of them. Once they get back, Tsukishima moves his mat back to its original position, and slips into a dreamless sleep.