Under the Stars

Chapter #7: I Can't Keep Going on This Way

Tsukishima wakes up with a gasp, out of breath with his mind in overdrive. He covers his mouth with both hands to stop himself from gasping again, or worse, from screaming. Every nerve on fire, his body shakes from the amount of adrenaline coursing through his body.

It's been so long since Kei last had a nightmare, he forgot how terrifying they could be. The room is dark, the air is cool against his sweat-soaked skin and his heart pounds in his ears. He looks around frantically, still with one hand over his mouth. With panic overtaking him, he forgot where he was. A quick survey of the room and he remembers that he's at the training camp, staying in a classroom at Shinzen High with the rest of Karasuno, meaning that the rest of the team is in the same room, the realization nearly pushing his panic to hysteria.

I need to get out.

I need to get out.

He throws his blankets off with no hesitation and bolts to the door, opening it and sprinting down the hallway, trying to find somewhere secluded enough for him to calm down.

The hallways are just as quiet and dark as the classroom, but the pounding of Tsukishima's steps creates an echo off the walls, surrounding him in a layer of unwanted noise. His breathing is heavy as he runs, his movements sloppy as his fatigued body is pushed to the limit by his short-circuiting mind. He reaches the nearest washroom and runs inside, and the motion-triggered lights flicker to life. Locking himself into a stall, he sits on the floor in the corner, knees brought up to his chest and his head down. It's unsanitary, but he doesn't care, it's the least of his worries as of now.

Get yourself together.

He gains some control of his breathing, and gradually slows it down. In for four, out for six.

It's just a bad dream.

He feels his heartbeat slow to a normal pace, and he exhales loudly.

It's not real.

Little by little, Tsukishima starts to feel more like himself. Rationality sweeps his mind clean of panic and soon, he feels well enough to go back to the classroom, and he lets himself out of the bathroom stall.

But of course, that plan is quickly thrown out the window.

Yamaguchi stands there, meters away in front of one of the mirrors with the sink running pointlessly. He's wearing an oversized navy blue hoodie with the words 'Class of 2012' and his middle school's logo on the back

He must've heard Kei exit the stall, because he looks away from the mirror for a moment, turning his body slightly towards him, exposing the name embroidered into the sleeve.

'Kei Tsukishima'

Tadashi is wearing Kei's hoodie.

His mouth runs dry once more, and the air goes still as the two stare at each other for a moment, Tsukishima's breath getting caught in his chest. Tadashi's eyes are lazy and unfocused, he's slouched down, and he's tucked his hands into the sleeves of Tsukki's hoodie.

Before Tsukishima can say anything, Tadashi turns back towards the mirror and turns the tap off. But instead of leaving, he remains there, frozen. Kei's not sure if he's about to say something, or if he's waiting to hear something.

If he's waiting to hear an apology.

He can't stand the tension anymore.

"I'm so sorry, Tadashi."

Yamaguchi turns to him again, wearing an expression of slight surprise.

"I'm so sorry for what happened on Tuesday, I shouldn't have said what I said," he elaborates, "I didn't mean what I said, and I know that means absolutely nothing because it still hurt you and I'm sorry. It's just...you haven't been acting like yourself recently."

Yamaguchi's eyes widen ever-so slightly, and Tsukishima takes note of this.

"You know it too, don't you?"

He doesn't respond.

Tsukishima softens his voice and takes a few steps forward so that he's closer to Yamaguchi, but not too close.

"What's been going on, Tadashi?"

He glances at Tsukki, seeing the sincerity in his eyes, before shifting his gaze to the floor.

"Tsukki, you don't need to worry about me, I've just been feeling a little bit stressed recently," he looks back at him and gives him a smile, but it's not enough to hide his pain.

"No, I know something's wrong," he takes another step forward and grabs a hold on Tadashi's wrist. "You never look me in the eye when you lie, so tell me what's-"

He's wincing.

Tsukishima swallows hard, "Tadashi?"

He looks up at his best friend, his face is no longer filled with pain.

It's filled with fear.

Tsukishima lets go of his wrist, and then reaches into the hoodie sleeve to grab Yamaguchi's hand. It's cold and Tsukishima can feel him trembling. They look up at each other, eyes meeting under the too-bright fluorescent lights. Tsukki gently lifts the sleeve of his hoodie, and that's when he sees them.

Cuts.

Red, straight cuts, across Yamaguchi's forearm.

For a moment, they both go silent as they both stare at Tadashi's arm in shock. Tsukishima knew that his best friend was on the sensitive and emotional side, but he never expected anything like this.

While Tadashi was anxious and easily overwhelmed, he was incredibly strong-willed. He could do anything he put his mind to, no exceptions. Even when he burned himself out, he'd get right back up on his feet and keep working like nothing had happened. Setbacks were just hurdles to him, nothing could stop him.

So what the hell is making him turn to this?

"I'm sorry," Tadashi whispers.

He sniffles and wipes the corners of his eyes with the back of his right sleeve. He hangs his head, almost as if in shame. "I'm sorry," he whispers again. This time he isn't able to hold back and tears gradually leak from his eyes. He leans forward and Kei catches him, and he sobs into his chest, mumbling the occasional 'I'm sorry' between breaths. Tsukishima only stands there, holding onto Yamaguchi as he cries. There's snot and tears on his shirt, but he doesn't care.

Through it all, Tsukishima rapidly shifts from being angry, to concerned, to worried, and most of all, scared. Thoughts come and go, appear and reappear, only scaring him even more.

Why?

Why would you do this, Tadashi?

What's making you want to do this to yourself?

Is this my fault?

"I'm sor-"

"Stop apologizing," he snaps.

Yamaguchi hiccups, "Why?"

"Because there's nothing you need to apologize for."

And for a long time, Tsukishima stands there, holding Yamaguchi.