Slipping Through Our Fingers

Chapter 14: I've lost myself

Hitoshi looked down at the two graves, his eyes were dull as a million thoughts and memories ran through his mind, but each time his mind would go to the beginning of everything, the day the three moved in together, and how they became each other's boyfriends.

"Dad...it's time to go" Kai mumbled wiping his tears away as he looked at Neito's grave and back at Hitoshi wishing he knew how to comfort him the way Neito did, he knew that no one knew them better than Neito but now he wasn't here to help them, they were on their own now.

Hitoshi simply stood up and headed to the car which made Kai frown softly looking over at him before looking down. Now they only had each other, years of grieving will pass and they only had each other's help.

Hitoshi sat in bed and just blankly looked at the framed picture on his hands, a picture of the three of them, he was on the middle of the two blonds who were smiling brightly resting their heads on Hitoshi's shoulders "times are getting harder...but I'm nothing like my father...how did he do it..? How did he moved on from losing Oboro and then Hizashi..?"

He let a small sigh as he kept looking at the picture "why did you guys had to leave me...why..."

"All I wanted was to be with you guys...all I wanted..." he teared up again looking at the picture, sudden anger formed as he gripped the frame "all I want is to see you guys again...just one more life with you guys! Why did you both had to leave me?!" He said as he threw the frame across the room breaking it, it wasn't fair for things to end the way they did, he didn't even got to properly say goodbye to either of them. He hated the fact that not only he lost them, but the fact that both their deaths happened so sudden.

He ran his fingers through his hair as he took deep breaths trying to calm down, the voices once again coming back.

The voices haunt him, they switched from Denki's and Neito's voices begging for help to his voice blaming him for their deaths. Regardless of how much time has passed Hitoshi was still grieving the same way as when he found out he had lost both Denki and Neito.

And even though he had lost hope on most things he kept worrying about one thing, Kai's safety.

After Kai graduated from UA Hitoshi only became more protective, he was happy that he had come so far and he wished Neito was still around to see it, but he wouldn't let Kai go on patrols alone, he wouldn't let him leave the house without Hitoshi knowing where he was going and for how long.

Kai was the only person he had left that kept him company, and the constant reminder that it was because of Neito that they adopted him was always making him want to keep Kai as safe as possible.

No matter how much time passed Hitoshi was still in so much emotional pain, in so much grieving, he was drowning in so many intrusive thoughts.

"Dad...it's been 4 years...it's been so long since you stopped being yourself.." Kai said as he sat on bed next to Hitoshi who was fiddling with the ring on his finger "so what? He old me died with them...and you want to know something..? I was holding onto hope for Neito...and I almost failed him...there were two times where he was the one that almost lost me...I never recovered from Denki's death, and I know I won't recover from Neito's.." Hitoshi replied.

Kai frowned softly and hugged him "I know dad...I know how much you love them...but they wouldn't want to see you like this..." Kai said in a soft tone "they're not here to see.." Hitoshi said as he laid on bed.

As years passed he only seemed more tired of life, it was harder for him to look at the good things in life, and everything reminded him of his two blonds, the two blonds he lost without a warning.

Hitoshi also had many sleepless nights.

"Hitoshi..." the voice spoke.

"Toshi why did you let them hurt me..?" The voice spoke again.

"You let Denki die and now you let me get killed" the voice spoke again.

"Why did you let us die?" The two voices spoke.

But what really woke up Hitoshi was the overwhelming feeling of trying to figure out who's voices those were, he knew those voices weren't from his blonds, were they..?

Once awake Hitoshi would numbly cry at the fact that he didn't even remember what Neito's and Denki's voices sounded anymore.

And then another event happen.

"It's been so long, how have you been brother?" Eri spoke as she hugged Hitoshi. "Same as always I guess" Hitoshi replied returning the hug.

Eri frowned softly and sighed "I'm sorry to being you this news but...dad isn't doing so well...he told me that he wanted to see you" Eri spoke.

Hitoshi closed his eyes and let a small sigh "how much time does he has left..?" He asked, his voice was softer than normal, a hint of fear in it. Ever since Hizashi died Hitoshi hated the mentions of death, which is why Neito's death took a big toll on him. He had gone in less and less patrols from fear of having to watch more people die right in front of him.

Eri sighed and looked over to Kai for a few seconds before looking back at Hitoshi "we don't know...but by the state he is...not long.." she replied.

"Alright...let's go" Hitoshi spoke before they headed to the hospital.

Hitoshi sat next to Aizawa's bed "hey dad.." he spoke as Aizawa looked at him and let a small smile "hey kid" he spoke in a raspy voice.

"Eri said you wanted to talk to me" Hitoshi said trying not let his fear take over, Aizawa reached for Hitoshi's hand and held it close to his chest "I know you're in pain Hitoshi, you've been for so long, and I understand how you're feeling but you also need to understand that you'll see them again...time wasn't in your favor and things happened...but they didn't said goodbye forever you know...you will end up with them again, and when that happens it'll be forever." He spoke making Hitoshi look down.

"That's what kept me going Hitoshi, and now I'm close to being with Oboro and Hizashi again, I lived the life I wanted and that's what I want for you...I want to leave knowing you understand this..and I'm not telling you this to rush things either...my grandkid still needs you, time will decide when you get to see them again" he spoke, well knowing that Hitoshi would try rushing his death, and that was one thing he hoped Hitoshi didn't try doing.

Hitoshi nodded and fiddled with the necklaces he wore "I...I know and I'll try to...live again, I know that what I've been doing isn't living, I've been drowning in grief..." he finally admitted.

Aizawa shakily kissed Hitoshi's hand and looked at him "I barely told you this but I love you son, and I want to make sure you'll be alright when I'm no longer here" he said as Hitoshi teared up, he felt heavy pain on his chest, all emotions he tried locking away finally becoming free.

"It'll be ok Toshi, just remember what I said" Aizawa said wiping Hitoshi's tears away.

Hitoshi sighed softly at the conversation now nothing more than just a memory and a reminder of his father's last wishes. He also remembered when he was first prescribed with ptsd medication. How after his Aizawa's death Hitoshi developed ptsd and would go into strong ptsd attacks whenever death was mentioned, and with his own grief if he didn't took the medication he would panic regardless of it not being mentioned. His mind would always remind him of the people he had lost.

He sighed and sat down on the porch looking at the sky as he snapped out of his thoughts, taking a sip of his coffee "how much longer can I wait to see you guys again...how much longer will it take.." Hitoshi mumbled closing his eyes.

He was slowly losing patience on time.