Never Ending | Marvel Black!OC | [in rewriting]

CHAPTER TEN | PART A • Introspection.

Janet's point of view.

• AT JANET'S HOME AFTER WORK: 10 PM •

I've never felt this tired and exhausted, the days are getting heavier each day, physically and mentally.
In a way getting to work this much allows me to keep my mind busy, to kind of avoid all these exteriors problems and situations that are happening: the war even if it doesn't fully concern the country yet, my mother and her related issues and... James. I could've just went directly to his home after work, just as I would have done usually, but I think I can use some time away from him these days, just to get my head straight about some things. It's not that I don't want to be near him, absolutely none of that, the problem is that I do want to. Too much, but I don't know how much.

To be totally honest things have been kind of confusing lately and I have this sort of issue that makes me kind of not fully aware of my feelings, always. And as a response I just tend to push people away, I isolate myself and get lost in my thoughts. Everything goes kind of well in my life right now and maybe my mother's situation is a heavy negative point but I have a new job that allows me to push myself even higher in a better work atmosphere (sometimes), I have a whole other family that considers me like one of them and most importantly a friend that considers me like everything and gives me all the positive feelings, strength and courage that I need and always needed to be in that pole position today and the thing is: he always did. Our relationship has always been like this, and it is perfect the way it is, so why risking everything, a slight change to it? I am not willing to take this risk, I will never. I'm not even allowing myself to put actual words on what I am feeling right now, maybe if I act like it's not real it'll just go away, sort of. The discussion we had last night was sort of bittersweet for me, maybe I am the world I am pushing him to see and the world that is waiting for him but again too much is at stake. It's a little heartbreak to do this but I just want to be a hundred percent sure that he has this love and tenderness he deserves because what if I try and fail to give him this feeling? What if he doesn't want it in the first place, I mean not from me? I'd understand that he'd want to put a certain distance between us after that, it's totally normal but that, that's exactly what would break me so no, I'm not willing to take the risk. It's a small sacrifice that gets bigger and heavier every day, but it's okay. I hope I'll get used to it because it's getting harder every day. It's getting harder every time I see him, every time I think of him, every time I hear his laugh or see his smile. My thoughts are always on this, on him.

It's 10:30 already, great. I got home an hour ago and I spent this whole time overthinking, again. This is not healthy for me and I know that, but I can have this talk only with myself.

I finally get up from the couch to go the bathroom in order to finally dive into the relaxing part of the day. It's almost 11, is going into a hair wash session a good idea knowing that it's called washday for a reason for us and not daily shampoo? No, bad idea. Am I still going to do it still in order to avoid being alone with these bloody thoughts and emotions haunting my head? Yes, absolutely.

Let's go, beginning with the shower and shampoo. There's nothing exceptional about it, I always used the same techniques: parting my hair into 4 parts, going from the ends to the roots, and my favorite part: rinsing with cold water. It's nothing exceptional again but the feeling of cold water on my skin is always so, so refreshing. I love the sensation of it, it's chilling every time but it's a little change from the usual burning hot shower. It's another sensation to my skin, a little occasional change. Coldwater also makes everything goes down and slow down for a moment. For a moment I can focus on this sensation and only it and not on anything else, it feels good to pause even if it's only for a few minutes. For a few minutes the voices in my head just shut down, it's no other noise than the water falling from my hair to my skin and no other feeling than the cold chills. But it has to end, already. Shampoo ends, the shower is done, next step is conditioning the hair but I'm falling asleep already. Getting started into the shampoo routine was finally a big, big mistake but we're too far to step back and the worst is yet to come. I get dressed before sitting face to the mirror to get started on one of my favorite steps of this routine: giving my hair all the nutrition and care it needs. All of this is a lot for just an hair care, but the focus on this is needed. I swear, it's my favorite loophole.

I don't know if I get started on some twist to style a twist-out tomorrow, or just braids to facilitate the more... "work-friendly" and "normative" sleek low bun. I love letting my hair down, or just doing one high puff, nothing fancy but just let them be, let them breathe. I've mainly worn them as a sleek bun this week, it was a new job, new people, a new environment so I bet on the safest option, the one that would bring the less attention to me and avoid any kind of comments, to be honest. Tomorrow I don't know, I still don't know. It might seem like a small meaningless decision but any comment can break me sometimes, and I already have to double (even triple) all the efforts if I want to ascend as much as my fellow male coworkers, so I always have to be perfect, nothing else. Maybe it's not me, maybe I'm playing the role of someone else by doing this but it looks like this role I'm playing is more pleasant to others, so I'll stick with it, the safest option. I don't even know if I myself love this version of me, and I hide it so much that I don't really know who loves it too. Even if I show it sometimes mostly to Bucky I don't know if he loves it, and again that's what is sort of scary for me. I don't know if this image would please him and I'd rather live in the mystery than know the answer. I never learned to fully embrace this thing about me, my hair, this so particular feature that's also so random. My mother never taught me how to, I never really had people close enough around me with this same random trait to learn with them because again, I tend to push other people. I always did, I guess that's at least one thing I learned from my mother. I never asked for much, like here just to learn to embrace these hair, that's it. Now I don't know what to do, I don't know what to think about them, I don't know what to think about myself and I don't know if I only half embrace them or if I'm just used to them. I glimpsed over the bathroom when she was getting ready sometimes to try to learn how to style them, I just wished I learned with her, not this way from her.

Now here I am, sitting in front of the mirror with absolutely no idea of what to do. Again. Just as with each wash session. It's only hair we're talking about, but this small decision can lead to a heavy chain of reaction, am I strong enough for this, me? Anyway, it worked, here I am psychoanalyzing my hair and its whole world, I am no longer in my so unsure heart feelings.

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