Saving Isadore [MxM] (An Alpha's Fight Book 1)

Chapter 21

ISADORE ¤ POV 

I stared up at the ceiling, rubbing my hands up and down Aaron’s back and gently dragging my fingers through his thick curly hair. Somehow, I’d ended up beneath him on the sofa and he’d draped himself over my body, his head on my chest, our torsos aligned. His thighs encased mine lightly and his back rose up and down evenly as he breathed in his sleep. 

The weight of his body over me was both comforting and anxiety inducing all at the same time. I’d never slept with another person like this before, never known what it felt like to hold a… lover… if that’s what we could even call ourselves. I wanted to be excited, but there were still too many worrying thoughts clouding my mind like a storm. I was tired of worrying and obsessing and overthinking but it was all my traumatised mind managed to do when I was awake and asleep. 

Although, last night had been suspiciously bearable and perhaps that had something to do with Aaron being near. However, I barely felt as though I had scratched the surface of regaining any energy from sleep. My eyelids were heavy, my body slack with what felt like the weight of the world. It was the stage after the anxiety, merely boarding on depression.

I’d been doing so well, I’d been so happy. Why did this always happen? Why did I always relapse - why did something always have to go wrong? It was as though my destiny had been set in stone and I could never breathe, never just exist without the constant fear of pain lurking like a shadow around the corner. Nana was dying. I had to decide whether or not I wanted to go back to America with my family or risk the rekindled relationship between us going out. Would dad ever consider staying for me? Did he love me enough to make such a decision? Could I ever be so selfish as to beg him to stay? 

Rationally, I knew that for the first year after Nana died, I probably wouldn’t be okay. She had been everything to me since I was a lost, abandoned ten year old boy without a family or a healthy home. She’d been my saviour - the only person on this entire planet I had believed had loved me. I’d latched onto her and we shared a bond I doubted I would ever replicate with anyone else, not even my dad. After she died, I’d be in hell. 

But it would pass - the hardest stages of grief always did. I’d have this house, probably get a job and work for the rest of my life until I died off too. Maybe I’d make some friends or maybe I’d always be that lonely kid in the corner, the one who couldn’t hold eye contact, the one who stuttered his way through conversations. I’d never be able to relate to anything my peers liked, since I didn’t watch TV or listen to popular music. I’d always be an outsider, but I’d survive. 

Dad and Maverick would leave, realistically I knew that dad wouldn't abandon Katherine, probably not even for me. This blissful past month of coming home to my father’s delicious cooking and having him talk away my worries while he brushed my hair, or going on adventures with Maverick and curling up against him in the park or on the couch while we talked, would disappear. It would turn into phone calls, maybe once a week, then once a month and back to once a year just like before. They’d forget… it would be more convenient to forget about me… again. 

Loneliness. It was my biggest weakness, my most terrifying nightmare. The impending isolation felt cold, like shivers drifting up and down my back and throughout my arms towards my fingertips. It felt like sinking into a black hole of nothing - becoming nothing to everyone around me. Death would always be better than a black hole. 

“Isadore? What’s wrong? Should I move, am I hurting you?” Aaron’s sleepy mumble pulled me out of the spiral my mind had been swirling into. I looked down and Aaron was blinking sleepy, dark brown eyes back up at me. He looked confused, concerned and lethargic all at the same time. When he began to push up as though he thought my now rapid breathing was because of him, I tightened my arms around him to keep him close.