Before We Fall

Part 1, Chapter 12

I wiped the sweat from my brow as the last of our cast took their bows. The blinding stage lights illuminated everyone on stage, but drowned out the audience. But without seeing the audience, I knew we had an amazing show. People started filing off stage and I followed, walking back to my dressing room to change into street clothes and take off my makeup.

I left my newsboy cap on the styrofoam, vaguely head-shaped wig stand on my vanity and hung my newsie costume back up on the rack, changing into a bubblegum pink American Eagle hoodie and black Lululemon leggings, stuffing a black sharpie from my vanity into my pocket to sign Playbills at the stage door.

Sky brushed against me in the hallway leading to the stage door. "Hey, Liv, we're all going to the Chipolte up the street. Wanna come?"

"Oh, so I'm 'Liv' now?"

He winced. "Sorry, I wasn't thinking. Is that okay?"

"I'll have to think about it." I gave him a small smile, and his expression softened. "You said 'we're all' going to Chipotle. There's no way that tiny place can fit the entire cast."

"Okay, fine," he relented. "It's just me, Josh, Ben, Demarius, Zach, Steph, Dan, and Jacob. Wanna come anyway?"

"Alright, fine. See you there."

"Yes!" He ran off before I could say anything else. At that moment, I realized it was past ten thirty on a Thursday and about a dozen sweaty, college age actors were about to flood the Chipotle for the next hour. Those poor, underpaid burrito artists.

I didn't expect the serotonin rush that would come with stage dooring. Even though no one there was at the show to see me, the fans were all incredible as I took photos and signed Playbills and tote bags and t-shirts. I didn't want it to end, but eventually Stephanie, my ride to the aforementioned Chipotle, was yelling that she was about to leave without me. I signed my last Playbill and left, getting into her car. 

"Our new celebrity," she said as I slid my Sharpie into my pocket.

"Okay, Severus Snape. Need me to navigate?"

"If you could."

I pulled my phone and typed in the address to direct Stephanie when I got a message from Ben, giving her directions in between texts.

Benji

What's going on with you
and sky

literally nothing

we're acquaintances at
best

What kind of acquaintances
nickname each other

how long did it take
you to figure out how to
spell acquaintance

Shut up and answer the
question

he called me liv by accident
and I didn't have the heart
to get upset at him over it

that's all 

Whatever

See you at Chipotle

I didn't respond. It only took us about 15 minutes to get to the Chipotle from the theater, and we saw Josh and Demarius walking as Stephanie was searching for a parking spot.

"It is ten-thirty p.m. on a Thursday night," She said. "Why are there people here?"

"Saying 'ten-thirty p.m.' implies that it is, in fact, night time."

She put the car into park. "We're here. Get out of my car."

"This is a rental."

"You know what I mean. The guys are waiting." 

As I stepped out and stretched, my phone slid out of my hoodie pocket and tumbled to the pavement. I was about to grab it when someone else got in my way and handed it to me.

"I think you dropped this," Sky said.

"Shouldn't you be inside? I swear I saw you walk in."

Ben came up behind Sky. "Nope, you probably saw Josh and DeMarius. We just got here."

"Do you take pride in being this slow?" Stephanie asked. "It is late and I am hungry. Let's go." 

I picked up my burrito bowl from the counter and sat down with everyone else. I was the last to sit down, so I ended up next to Sky because of course I did.

"To an incredible run," Dan declared, lifting his iced tea.

"To an incredible run," everyone else echoed.

"How does someone get a burrito bowl without corn?" Sky asked me.

"Like this, because corn in a burrito is gross," I said, taking a bite from my bowl.

"You are so weird."

"I know." 

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It was nearly midnight by the time I got back to my hotel room, but I still took the time to fish my notebook out of my suitcase and write a little.

Dear Jacob,

Fun fact: I'm writing this with the same Sharpie I used to stage door my first show on tour. Full circle or what? Okay, not really. Still, you always told me I'd get here some day, and I did it. Wish you were here to see it.

I'm surprised this Sharpie still works with how many Playbills and t-shirts and tote bags I signed with it. Seriously, the stage door was just perfect. Everyone there was so sweet and excited to see us. I keep getting tagged in photos with fans, not that I'm complaining.

This cast is incredible. Everyone in it is incredible. We just finished our first show on tour, and at dinner after, I laughed harder than I have in years. It was an odd feeling, being so content without you there. There's this boy in the cast, Sky, and he reminds me a lot of you in a lot of ways. He and I aren't close, barely even friends, but something about him takes me back to being sixteen and staying up late on school nights, talking to you for hours. 

In all honesty, and in the best way possible, I think I'm getting used to life without you. The "without you" wasn't something to ever cross our minds, let alone something we discussed, but I like to think you'd be happy for me. This is not to say I stopped missing you, or feel whole without you, because I doubt I ever will, but maybe this is what okay feels like.

Love you to the moon and back.

-Alivia

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finally getting back into writing this after too many insane months. yay theatre! 

love you all lots!