Before We Fall

Part 1, Chapter 32

T.W- Discussion of ED effects 

Alivia's POV

Just over a week had passed since we had all gone to the boardwalk. It was our first show in San Fransisco, California, and I was in my newly assigned dressing room, starting my pin curls about forty-five minutes before the show was supposed to start. I knew it wouldn't be enough time, but I didn't need to be on stage right away, so I would probably be fine. 

To be honest, I hadn't been doing so great lately. Sky and I were amazing, don't get me wrong, but that was about the only thing going right in my life. Cassie and I hadn't spoken since our fight, and Quinn and Mason hadn't reached out either. I was getting thinner and now needed a handful of safety pins for my costume to fit right, which I saw as a good thing, minus the fact I felt like I was going to pass out halfway through the show. My hair was falling out and I was cold all the time and I wasn't really sleeping anymore. 

Price of perfection, I guess. Or lack thereof. I was slipping in my performances, losing flexibility and vocal inflection, and was visibly exhausted all the time.

"It'll be worth it in the end," I whispered into the mirror. 

My phone rang. I glanced over to where it was sitting face-up and saw Cassie's name and contact information on my screen. I hesitated, before answering just before it went to voicemail.

"Hey," was all she said.

We both fell silent, not really knowing what to say.

"I am so sorry," we both said at the same time, before bursting into laughter.

"Okay," Cassie said. "I called you, so I get to talk first. I miss you! I've never been separated from you for so long, and I guess the post was just the thing to send me over the edge and blow up on you, but that's no excuse and you didn't deserve that. More than anything, I'm happy for you. Really, I am! Obviously, Quinn and I are always going to be better for you than any man, but if being with Sky makes you happy then I'm happy for you. I'm so sorry I took it all so poorly, You're my best friend and you deserve to be treated as such. I love you to the moon and back, babe." 

"I love you too," I responded. "I'm sorry too. I have been unfairly distant, and I should have told you personally that Sky and I got together. And I should just in general, talk to you more! I miss hearing your voice. Tour is great, but I get so lonely without my best friend. Honestly, I think you should join the orchestra when we go back to a stationary run so I don't have to be so alone."

"Well, clearly you aren't that alone if you're posting pictures of you cuddling with your boyfriend on the internet," she said playfully.

"Hey, stay jealous, Cass."

"Honestly, yeah I will."

"I hate to hang up, but I really need to finish getting ready. But hey! We're finally in the same time zone, so we can actually interact at normal hours for all of us."

"You're in Cali, right?"

"Yeah."

"So that means..." she paused, before slamming her hand on the nearest surface. "It's only, like, two months until we get to see each other again!" 

I thought for a moment, referring to the tour schedule taped to my mirror. "Oh shit, you're right!" I did the math in my head as fast as I could. "It's only... nine weeks to the day until we hit Arizona!" 

"Best believe I will be counting down the days. Okay, you're a professional actor, and I'm keeping you from your job. Talk to you later, love you mwah!" 

She hung up, leaving me in the cold silence of my dressing room. I knew it was bad, but I couldn't help my train of thought from traveling back to a few weeks ago when I first started purging and starving to get thinner. It came down to my fight with Cassie, which just so happened to be resolved when I started getting real results. Maybe this was working better than I thought. 

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The National Eating Disorder Association Hotline: 1-800-931-2237 
Or, for my socially anxious friends, text "NEDA" to 741-741 

i know this chapter was kind of a lot, so know that you are loved and valid. love you all lots!