Before We Fall

Part 1, Chapter 26

Alivia's POV

Dear Jacob,

It's already been a week since it all happened. I still can't believe you're gone.

I flipped through the notebook I had been writing in regularly since my sophomore year of high school. I know I had said I healed, but it was one of those days.

Your funeral was today. I couldn't even cry during it. Maybe it just hurt too much.

I've spent the past three weeks reliving everything you ever said or did, wishing we could go back. 

I miss you more than I could ever put into words.

If I could take it all back, I would.

You feel right by my side and across the country and a walk down the street away all at once.

I know you'll always be with me, but it still stings to think about you.

I miss you and love you more than I could ever put into words.

The "without you" wasn't something to ever cross our minds, let alone something we discussed.

I love you so much, Jay.

Looking back, it's all very formulaic. "Dear Jacob," then an update on how my life has been since the last time I wrote to him, then an endless missing him, signed Alivia. 

A tear ran down my cheek, then another, and another, dampening the buckled pages, crinkled with age and grief. I carelessly swiped my face and kept reading, skimming the pages covered with my loopy handwriting.

Jacob always said I had odd handwriting. In sixth grade, cursive was drilled into our heads by our old hag of an English teacher. We both went to this fancy performing arts charter school, so maybe that's why. She wasn't that old, that was a lie. But no teacher after that required it, but I still had the habit of connecting letters, so by the end of seventh grade I had some sort of hybrid writing. Not quite script, but not printed, either.

Now that I think about it, he didn't have much time to poke fun at my habit. He was gone three weeks into sophomore year. We never got enough time. But how much is enough? Would it ever have been enough?

I wish I could take it all back. I wish I could have more time. Just five more minutes, just hear your laugh and see your smile and tell you I love you one last time. 

Deja vu, or something. I guess the more things change, the more they stay the same. Something like that. I was never the poetic one. That was Jacob — my best friend, till death did us part. 

"Liv, babe, you really need to get better at actually closing the door. I mean, anyone could just walk in-"

Sky.

I shot up, trying — and failing — to dry my face with the backs of my hands. Didn't work, since Sky made a beeline for the side of the bed opposite to me, climbing on and pulling me into his arms.

"Just breathe," he murmured, gently tracing my hairline and rubbing circles on my back. "It's okay." Once I had successfully calmed down, his gaze fell on my notebook, which just so happened to be open to a page of me telling Jacob how much I love him. "Liv," he started. "I hate to pry, but what is that? Who is Jacob?"

I knew it was only a matter of time before I had to tell someone. "Jacob is — well, was." I took a shaky breath, trying to steady myself. "He was my twin brother. 

"You mean... he didn't..."

"He did. Four years ago this September." I started crying again and Sky tightened his grip on me ever so slightly. "It was a car crash. He was driving, but I insisted on us leaving in the first place. I've never been able to forgive myself." I fully broke down, burying my face in Sky's hoodie. 

"Oh, baby, I had no idea."

"No one does. That's not exactly the thing to flaunt around, you know?" My words were muffled by the thick fabric of his hoodie. "But you had a right to know."

"No, I really didn't. Thank you for trusting me enough to tell me, but that's not something that is 'owed' to anyone." We fell into a comfortable silence for a moment. "Does no one else know?"

"Well, Cassie, Quinn, and Mason do. I've been friends with them most of my life. You'll meet them when the tour hits Phoenix, for sure." I sighed, the tears finally stopping. "He was a major part of our friend group, but nothing's been the same in years. We've always had the dumbest group chat names, ever since middle school. In eighth grade, he changed our group chat name to 'mighty morphin' power rangers' since there were five of us, and I still remember the day we agreed to change it. We all cried as soon as it loaded, which looking back was not my proudest moment."

"No," Sky started, brushing the hair back from my face. "It's okay for that to hurt. Obviously, you'll always have your memories, but that is something that was exclusively from him. What did you change it to?"

I laughed lightly thinking about our history of dumb group chat names. "Cassie set it to 'we're off to see the wizard' for some god awful reason, then, I think, seven months later Quinn changed it to 'golden girls' and Mason immediately changed it to 'teenage mutant ninja turtles' and no one has changed it since." I paused, before remembering a change I made. " Wait, for April 1st my senior year, Cassie and I had the idea to change it to 'meenage tutant neetle teetles' and gaslight Mason about it. Ugh, I'm rambling. Like always." 

"It's okay. I like listening to you." 

There'd always be a Jacob-shaped hole in my heart, and while Sky couldn't quite fill it, I could feel him slowly start stitching it shut. Maybe, for now, that's okay.

<><><>

mMmMm hurt/comfort is my fave 

also: *clears throat* wOOAAHh We'Re hAlFway THere 

26 chapters left of part 1! 

love you all lots!